Thursday, November 20, 2014

FUNERAL DETAILS- DESERT NEWS


This is my best friend.
TYLER LEWIS COLLINS

My heart is so sad that I am struggling to accept that 
he is gone. I just want to stay in these leopard pjs
and stay in bed. I know I can't do this, but right now my world is filled with losing him. I have
to go on alone. I know I have my kids but anyone who has had a beautiful loving marriage knows what I am saying. I have to accept God's will just
like he did. We had many beautiful conversations
over the past 17 months regarding his diagnosis. This past week, Ty kept telling me
that he did not want to leave me. He said so many times-
"The hardest part is leaving you and, but once I'm gone, it will be YOU
and the kids that will have it hard. YOU will miss me.  You will have to 
deal with the loss and having to live life without my help. I feel bad that I am causing this pain. I'm so sorry!"

He always was more concerned about his family and me. He worried about his mother. He knew she was now going to bury a child. I encouraged her to come to the hospital and she did. I knew this was so important and needed for both of them.

He worried about family relations. It was so important to him that our family stay close to his mother and sister and brother/families. He was

to the end wanting everyone to be united and be together. He wanted our youngest boys to have family close to help me. I have been so comforted by his family. Leann has been such a blessing to come help me write the obituaries and make food and more. I am still not thinking or speaking clearly. His mother has been arranging for so many things as I am struggling to get in a shower. It's times like this that families need to come together with love and grieve together. I have had so many people come and bless me with stories that Tyler had shared with them about how he felt about me. THIS has been the sweetest blessing and reminder to me right now.

 I am most grateful of the five days in the hospital with him. It was full of miracles and blessings. Most of you do not know him. He often told me that I was his only friend. (This was silly of course) He had friends. He just always wanted to be with me or the kids. He said family is more important than anything. He lived it and he meant it. He hated contention and fighting. He would never want to hurt anyone's feelings. When he did, he felt horrible. Tyler was always thinking of ways

to make life easier for me and the children. Yes, I've never mowed our lawn, filled my gas tank (unless he was out of town or when he got sick), etc. He wanted to take care of my needs. This is how he showed his love. I love that he told ever one of our children that they were his "best friend." I know he meant it. He told all of us this...
ILYMTAYCTSOF

I love you more than anything you can think say or feel!!!!!!!!!!
I loved watching him with the kids. He loved when the grand babies lived closer. It was sad when they moved and he rarely saw them and then he got sick. He would watch social media to see them. He loved seeing the photos. He would often ask me, "did you see the photo posted today on Instagram?"
I have had a rough time. I wish I could say otherwise. It would be a huge lie if I said otherwise. You are never prepared to lose you best friend, your eternal companion and the person who just is your everything. I don't know how this goes. I don't know how to even understand these crazy sad feelings I have right now. My heart is so tender and I have cried so much that my lips are severely chapped and hurt. When I purchased our grave plots, I felt at that moment that I wished I was with him. I had never thought this before. I just miss him and want him near me.

If you knew the real T-n-T. That is us.... you would know that
Tyler treated me like a queen. He actually used to call me princess until I said... okay, that is crazy and don't call me that. Then we would laugh. We were a team... we were crazy in love and yes, we had fights like everyone else.
Our disagreements made us stronger and more in love.
He would tell me that I'm feisty and I would say... and so are you. I told him always that when I saw him I thought he was the most handsome man in the world and I still get butterflies after all of these years. 

My sister flew in last night. I am typing this in the middle of the night. Everyone is asleep but me. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted,  but just have so much on my mind. Ty's obituary will be in the newspaper today here. You can read it below for the details.

http://www.utahvalleyfuneral.com/obituaries/Tyler-Collins/#!/Obituary

I wanted to share a book that is VERY comforting to me right now, it was a gift from the Barton family this week. It is called-
What's on the OTHER SIDE? BY BRENT L. TOP

I have been sent so many flowers.  It has been huge love from family, friends, neighbors  and business friends. I can't thank everyone enough. I am touched and lifted from your prayers.






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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Where to turn for PEACE... THE PIANO GUYS





I am humbled and thankful that God is giving me peace through beautiful music right now. This is THE PIANO GUYS. True story- they are amazing! I need peace. I need to feel Ty with me still. I am thankful for the feelings that these songs and others are bringing to my broken heart. McKay is on her mission. She gets home in less than a month. One of the guys from THE PIANO GUYS- AL was someone that McKay knew and loved. He was always the MC at all her drill team competitions and loved it when she helped him. McKay was the MHS drill captain. So she loved Al and I thought how crazy that I've met him several times and did not know "who" or what he did. Small world!


On the day that Tyler was in the hospital nearing the last hours of his life we played this song over and over. It is Zach's favorite and it's speaks to my heart. Devan and his friends are playing this at the funeral. I love verse 4 & 5. It just means so much to me. There is NO END....

  1. 5. There is no end to glory;
    There is no end to love;
    There is no end to being;
    There is no death above.
    There is no end to glory;
    There is no end to love;
    There is no end to being;
    There is no death above.

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Tuesday, November 18, 2014

HERE WITHOUT YOU



I remember a night in a hotel in Chicago for business. My husband texted me to let me know that he wanted me to listen to this song. I was overwhelmed with love and feeling the SAME way that he was. This song is EXACTLY how I am feeling right now. 

 I was getting ready for bed that night at the hotel and I watched this video over and over. I love that he always wanted to be with me.  "I am here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby, but you are still with me in my dreams. And tonight, it's only you and me. Everything know and anywhere I go, it gets hard but  it won't take away my love. And when the last one falls when it's all said and done it gets hard but it won't take away my love."

I miss him so much that the pain is hard to articulate and feel. I am planning his funeral. This is what is keeping me going. I want it to be a tribute to him and his life. I am going through photographs. I got up at 4am with Zach. It's hard to sleep and to focus. I don't fight it and know that everyone mourns in their own way. Right now, I am listening to songs that comfort me. I am pouring through photos. I never thought I would be in my forties and lose the love of my life. I never imagined having to go to the cemetery yesterday and picking the grave and my grave. Can this be a horrible bad dream? I am not angry one ounce. I am so thankful it happened. I am so thankful we found each other. I just miss him. I am more determined to honor, love and make him proud that I am his wife. 

Thank you Susie for sending this photo to me yesterday. It was  taken several years ago, I was visiting a store in So. Cal. I love that Ty would want to go with me. He loved watching and helping me teach. I often told him- "you don't need to help me, honey." Ty always said
"THAT'S MY JOB."

So with little sleep I am taking it moment to moment and accepting that my broken heart is missing him. Death
will not take away my love.  


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Monday, November 17, 2014

I'm carrying your love with me





At this really difficult time, I keep thinking of my best friend and how much I love him. LOVE is what is bringing me some type of peace. This love is carrying with me forever. I cry because I am so sad to have lost my best friend and I miss him terribly. 



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Sunday, November 16, 2014

SAD NEWS TO SHARE

It is with the saddest of hearts that I write this. Last night, November 15th at 8:34 pm my best friend, my husband peacefully passed away after a valiant seventeen month battle with cancer. He fought to the end and did not want to leave me and our kids. He awoke yesterday morning and told me that he was dying today. I knew that he was going home. We were alone and I knew he had accepted God's will.  Our family surrounded him all day and as many of us that could were there to send him HOME. Right now, my heart is broken to say goodbye. I found this photo that truly told a story-


This photo was about 5 years ago. I don't even know who took it and sent it to me. This is very familiar sight on how we were together. He was the one I counted on, the one who listened to me and supported me. He was the BEST father you could have.
I would never had been prepared for this loss.
 



It is now the time to make arrangements and to honor this wonderful man. He was loved and will be loved my many. Right now, my sadness is unbearable and my soul is hurting. My children are hurting and we focus on knowing he is out of pain. Tyler will never be forgotten and I pray I can make him proud as I raise my family alone. We are planning now for a viewing on Friday evening and the funeral on Saturday morning here by our home in Murray Utah. With many tears and a broken heart I share the news that another angel has went to heaven.


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Saturday, November 15, 2014

This is not the end...

I have typed this so many times. I keep deleting. I am still at the hospital with my husband. It is in the middle of the night. I am not sleeping... very little if at all. I just have to keep watching him. He asks me to "not leave him." I wouldn't even if he wanted me too. There are many tender words expressed. We always have called ourselves "besties" and "best friends." Sometimes it's a word... bestie or best friend. Right now, I tell him, "It's going to okay. I love you." When you don't know what to say, simply say... I love you. I have learned this. My mind is racing a thousand directions and emotions are tender.

 As many of you know, our family is having a hard time watching this happen. There are no more treatments. They let Ty and I know this week that nothing has worked and the disease has progressed to a point that we are facing the end of his life journey. We wanted to make sure our children knew what is happening prior to sharing. 

How do you ever prepare for this? It's 3 am in the morning and I can tell you that my heart is so sad. I try so hard not to cry around Tyler. All I can do is be strong in front of him. I can't leave his side. I have been at the hospital this entire week and cherish every moment. I wish I could sleep, but watching the person you love MORE than anything in this journey has shut me down. I am hoping that my friends who read this... my neighbors will take care of my children right now. My heart is heavy knowing they don't have me at home to love and care for them. I just realized in the middle of the night that they may need milk and food and life has to go on for them. I am thankful for many people helping and watch over my kids. With the most thankfulness my church ward has been bringing in dinners each night to my children. My two son in laws Devan and Travis are helping them. Devan is staying with my boys. I knew my youngest son needed a "male figure" because he is always best around strong men. I don't know if this makes sense. I just listened to God and knew that I had to ask Devan and Gentry to come to the home this past week. Ty reminded my boys here yesterday. The most important decision you make if life will be who you marry and have a family with. This is wise words. 

I'm sorry if I'm rambling. I am sure I am. I had lost my mother suddenly and now I am losing my husband. My best friend in a totally different way. He wants to live so bad. He has not lost his HOPE. He has spent time with the children. He is struggling in the last stages of cancer. Yesterday, he told me that I can share that they let us know that he is dying and when he goes home from the hospital, he will have hospice care.  The doctors have been so kind, so wonderful and we "knew" what they were going to tell us. I have wanted to keep things very private at my husbands request. 

So this morning, I am in total darkness and sharing my soul. I want to let you know that the last few days have been so beautiful. We are saying our goodbyes. I have laid by him in the bed and wept with him. This GIANT of a man, still has hopes of a miracle. He wants to live so bad. He doesn't want to leave me and the kids. He is most worried about our two teenage boys. He knows this is a hard age for boys. This is breaking his heart. Ty talks about his strong faith and accepts that when he dies this has been God's will. He has never been angry. I wish you could all know him. I wish you could see his dedication to me and our children.  We have two beautiful children on missions. McKay and Seth only give him comfort. He is so proud of them. They are aware that their dad will be going HOME to God sooner than we expected. I would give anything to hug them both right now and comfort them. I am most worried about our younger sons right now since there was no way to prepare them for this loss and change. Ty is the best dad. There is no replacing him and his greatness and wisdom. He told them that he will be with them. Ty reminded the boys that he will watch Zach play college baseball. He will watch Ty snowboard, and see them both graduate high school, go on missions, go to college, eventually marry and have their own children. If they are doing something wrong, he is gonna give them a little pinch. (yes, my husband is so funny too!)

I have to say that because of our faith, we believe we are an eternal family. We believe that this life is a small pinpoint in our journey. We all die and will go back to live with our Father in heaven and Jesus Christ. THIS life does not end our marriage, our love, our sealing to be together forever. I know that families are forever. THIS is what comforts me right now. I don't know what I would do if I thought death was the end. I believe that death is hardest for those left behind. Tyler keeps telling me that he is sorry. He keeps saying this. He tells me, "I am sorry, I am leaving you. I don't want to and I know where I'm going and will be fine." He told me that it will be hardest on me and our children. I know this is true. I know saying good bye is not what I want to do, even now I think... please God don't take him. I don't want him to go, but I am asking God to now let him suffer anymore.  I believe that death is a glorious reunion in heaven with God and those that have past on before us. I know his dad and grandparents are there waiting for him. I am sharing WHAT gives me comfort and peace. It doesn't and won't take away my immense broken heart. I will miss him and don't know how I will face this but I know it's part of life's plan. 

I once read a book on grieving by Russell M Nelson. It was right after my mom died and I was struggling. I needed to know it was natural to feel all the feelings I was feeling.  He spoke about it here and you can watch it: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/doors-of-death?lang=eng 

He said "Irrespective of age, we MOURN for those love and lost. MOURNING is the one of the DEEPEST expressions of pure love."

I wanted to share the latest on what my husband is enduring and our family. He expressed his wishes yesterday that it was time to share what is going on. The plan is for him to leave the hospital this Monday. Then he will be having hospice care at our home. We now know that this is God's plan and will and we are praying as a family for him to be out of pain.

When the doctors told us that this disease is winning, they mentioned Ty would need hospice care. After many tears, Ty called his sister who is a hospice nurse and asked Leann if she would and could be his nurse. As you can imagine, this is a tender mercy. I sat by Tyler as he called his sister. He had tears flowing as he told her that he was dying and would she be his hospice nurse. I can't imagine how hard this is for his "big sister" to do this for him and for us. 

Many tender tears are flowing as I see what she is doing for her "little brother." I am sure she never thought that she would be caring for her brother as he died. I know God is mindful of us in this time of need. As my heart is breaking, I can't help but think of my mother in law Carol. She moved in with us, and did everything she could to help us. I know she is grieving and this is her "son". I want her here now and join me as we take care of Tyler. I am so grateful she has been here. A mother losing a child is never easy and my heart is heavy for her and our children. In my darkest hours I remind myself to be grateful for Tyler. I must be grateful that God blessed me with him for 19 amazing years. I must be grateful for our family. I love each of you. I thank you for supporting me and our family right now. I hope I can share my story in hopes that you will see "your own story and life" and cherish every moment of it. I never thought I would be facing this. I never thought when I married Ty that he would be dying of cancer. I realize and am so grateful for the best husband and father. I am fortunate that I have taken photos and made memories that I hope will help me and the family in this sad journey. 





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Thursday, November 13, 2014

SMILE... because it happened


As you may know my husband has been fighting a very aggressive horrible cancer. In the bad times, there is always GOOD things that can make you smile. This sweet photo was sent to me yesterday of my husband Tyler and my son (Tyler). My two favorite Ty's. I was so GRATEFUL for this photo. This was taken on Matt and Kayla's wedding day.  I am in the hospital with my husband and when I showed him this photo he smiled. I am thankful that photos can truly take you back to such special moments. I feel LOVE and see love in this photo. These two are best buddies and have a special bond. I don't have words to express how grateful that I am doing everything I can to preserve memories. I challenge YOU to take FIVE photos today with people you love. PLEASE take the time to TAKE photos. Keep a camera in your purse. USE it....
 


This was sent from my friend Meeghan from Australia. I adore this quote. I kneeled down on my knees here in the hospital room and prayed that I can be strong. I prayed for my handsome husband and poured out my tender emotions to Heavenly Father. Even now, he is most concerned about me and the our children. 


I don't believe that life ends here. I know that no matter what happens that Ty and I are going to be together forever. My faith is carrying me. My love for Tyler and his love for me, makes me strong. Life is so precious. 
In a couple of days the Teresa Collins Caribbean Cruise is happening. As you may expect or have heard,  I will not be attending. I am sending my beautiful daughters to take my place. I would never leave my husbands side. I am so fortunate that everyone attending the cruise has loved me enough to understand. Their love and understand has lifted me and I have felt so much love.
 I always try to listen to the spirit and prompting that God gives me and I knew over a week ago that I was needed to be HERE with my
husband. I would have never thought this would be what was happening when I planned this event. Ty was going to be with me. It would be a celebration of his recovery and us together with
my beautiful creative friends. This was not meant to be. Yet, as with life, the TC event will go on. I know that those attending
will feel my love and caring through my projects, details and messages conveyed from my daughters. 

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