I have to say that although I have been blessed with many children, I feel so alone. I don't think you can ever prepare yourself to lose your spouse, your best friend. Last Tuesday, we went to the cemetery to pick out plots for Tyler and I. There was this massive big tree that I had noticed when we arrived. When it was time to find the burial spot, I immediately knew the perfect spot. It is right by this beautiful strong tree. I knew instantly that this was the place and marveled that there was spaces available right by the tree. We had not spoke of the "details" of any of this until the last week. Our denial was because we simply did not want to say goodbye. Finally, Ty let his mother and I know he wanted us to be buried in our hometown. He wanted to be close so our children and I could visit him. He was always thinking of others.
It was like I was in a movie and I was just going through the scenes. I kept thinking, is this really happening? I stood at the ground of where my husband would be buried. I knew eventually... ONE DAY... I would be with him. I thought at that moment, that I just wanted to join him to be buried with him now. I don't want to do this without him. I can't describe how much my soul aches for him.
I have felt literally that half of me is gone now. I feel incomplete. I feel completely alone even with a house of children. I had to explain to my children why I don't want to get out of bed, get dressed and why I can't concentrate or think right now. The pain is so painful. Tyler is my everything. I was his everything. In many ways, it is harder when our closeness and our desire to be with each other trumped going out with other couples or doing things without each other. As our boys have gotten older, we joked and said... it's just US and we were loving "our" time. Through years and our trials we became stronger and closer. I've mentioned before, we had both been married. Tyler had told me, "Divorce is not a option." This is how we lived our marriage. We blended our children and then had two more handsome sons together. We grew more in love over the years. We knew each other better than any one else knew us. I understood him and he understood me. I am thankful for our trails and for the times where we disagreed. I know we grew from having to work harder to understand each other.
For seventeen months, we both could not accept that we would be apart. He often told me, "You can't do this without me. you need me." Ty fought so hard to stay. On Friday, the night before he passed he spent hours trying to convince his doctor via text and nurse that he would want another round of chemo just to give him "more time." He was not giving up. He just knew it would give him more time. I watched him and knew in my heart his time was very limited. He fought like a warrior for TIME with us. It was a testament to me of his massive love for me and our children, his family.
To the outside world, Ty could be more quiet. He could be opinionated at times. He was much smarter than I am (yes, I loved telling him this and he never disagreed). Ty was the man who would tape "our favorite shows" and not watch them if I was not with him. He would watch Hallmark movies with me to be with me. He would go to every single baseball game or event because he wanted to. Ty wrote love notes and left them on the counter when he went to work. They were always signed TnT. I will miss the love notes. He loved taking care of us. He probably took care of me too much. I've never mowed our lawn, paid a bill, got gas in my car until he was sick or he was away... he just wanted to do this for me. Ty would go to Costco and buy groceries. He often made dinner and wanted to lighten my burden. I had many friends who knew that Ty just adored and wanted to take care of me. I would try to do these things myself and he would not let me. I have thought over and over how often he told me that I need him. I soooo need him. I love him. I don't want to be apart from him... yet as my heart is tender, I find moments of peace that I feel are coming from him.
I believe that when we die that it's not really DEATH as we think of a ending. I believe he is still very much with us. I feel that his spirit is close and that we are going to be watched over. I will always remember that WHAT matters MOST is WHAT matters MOST! Often, we just forget. We let the world consume us and forget why we are here. To be honest, I have been in Ty's pajamas for two days. I visited the his grave yesterday. I simply put on jacket over them. I am reading some books that some dear friends gave us. They are on death and comfort me. The one part that spoke to me is this... We live to die. We actually should think each day about this. We should focus on what matters and live each day with this purpose. I think to myself... am I living the life that I should be? Am I forgiving others? Am I lightening the burden for others? I know that I have a huge responsibility alone. I have children to raise, get through high school, missions, college, marriage, etc. I have a business to run. When the time is right, I will know what to do. Right now, I'm just focusing on being grateful IT HAPPENED. I am so fortunate to have found this special man that I adored. I loved him more than he ever realized.
The beautiful casket spray. Ty's mom wanted to buy this for her son. It was beautiful. It was very special.
Flowers were everywhere. They were gorgeous. This was a one that I had made from our kids. Little Ty picked it out. Since Ty loved the outdoors, he did some burlap and it was stunning.
Ty's brother Bret and his mother Carol.
Carol helped me so much with the funeral. She was indeed inspired and prompted to help me.