This is my best friend.
TYLER LEWIS COLLINS
My heart is so sad that I am struggling to accept that
he is gone. I just want to stay in these leopard pjs
and stay in bed. I know I can't do this, but right now my world is filled with losing him. I have
to go on alone. I know I have my kids but anyone who has had a beautiful loving marriage knows what I am saying. I have to accept God's will just
like he did. We had many beautiful conversations
over the past 17 months regarding his diagnosis. This past week, Ty kept telling me
that he did not want to leave me. He said so many times-
"The hardest part is leaving you and, but once I'm gone, it will be YOU
and the kids that will have it hard. YOU will miss me. You will have to
deal with the loss and having to live life without my help. I feel bad that I am causing this pain. I'm so sorry!"
He always was more concerned about his family and me. He worried about his mother. He knew she was now going to bury a child. I encouraged her to come to the hospital and she did. I knew this was so important and needed for both of them.
He worried about family relations. It was so important to him that our family stay close to his mother and sister and brother/families. He was
to the end wanting everyone to be united and be together. He wanted our youngest boys to have family close to help me. I have been so comforted by his family. Leann has been such a blessing to come help me write the obituaries and make food and more. I am still not thinking or speaking clearly. His mother has been arranging for so many things as I am struggling to get in a shower. It's times like this that families need to come together with love and grieve together. I have had so many people come and bless me with stories that Tyler had shared with them about how he felt about me. THIS has been the sweetest blessing and reminder to me right now.
I am most grateful of the five days in the hospital with him. It was full of miracles and blessings. Most of you do not know him. He often told me that I was his only friend. (This was silly of course) He had friends. He just always wanted to be with me or the kids. He said family is more important than anything. He lived it and he meant it. He hated contention and fighting. He would never want to hurt anyone's feelings. When he did, he felt horrible. Tyler was always thinking of ways
to make life easier for me and the children. Yes, I've never mowed our lawn, filled my gas tank (unless he was out of town or when he got sick), etc. He wanted to take care of my needs. This is how he showed his love. I love that he told ever one of our children that they were his "best friend." I know he meant it. He told all of us this...
I love you more than anything you can think say or feel!!!!!!!!!!
I loved watching him with the kids. He loved when the grand babies lived closer. It was sad when they moved and he rarely saw them and then he got sick. He would watch social media to see them. He loved seeing the photos. He would often ask me, "did you see the photo posted today on Instagram?"
I have had a rough time. I wish I could say otherwise. It would be a huge lie if I said otherwise. You are never prepared to lose you best friend, your eternal companion and the person who just is your everything. I don't know how this goes. I don't know how to even understand these crazy sad feelings I have right now. My heart is so tender and I have cried so much that my lips are severely chapped and hurt. When I purchased our grave plots, I felt at that moment that I wished I was with him. I had never thought this before. I just miss him and want him near me.
If you knew the real T-n-T. That is us.... you would know that
Tyler treated me like a queen. He actually used to call me princess until I said... okay, that is crazy and don't call me that. Then we would laugh. We were a team... we were crazy in love and yes, we had fights like everyone else.
Our disagreements made us stronger and more in love.
He would tell me that I'm feisty and I would say... and so are you. I told him always that when I saw him I thought he was the most handsome man in the world and I still get butterflies after all of these years.
My sister flew in last night. I am typing this in the middle of the night. Everyone is asleep but me. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted, but just have so much on my mind. Ty's obituary will be in the newspaper today here. You can read it below for the details.
I wanted to share a book that is VERY comforting to me right now, it was a gift from the Barton family this week. It is called-
What's on the OTHER SIDE? BY BRENT L. TOP
I have been sent so many flowers. It has been huge love from family, friends, neighbors and business friends. I can't thank everyone enough. I am touched and lifted from your prayers.