Truth be known, my kids are "trying" to baby sit me. I know what they are doing. I know that they are trying to keep me busy. Today church was hard. I woke up and got my boys ready to go. As we left our empty house, it hit me that Ty would never be going to church with us again. I would sit alone with my boys. For many months, I was excited for the Sunday that Ty could finally go back to church with us. I went to church each week alone with the boys. As I walked in, I realized I was going to have to be strong. Everyone is so sweet and I sat alone as my sons blessed and passed the sacrament. Then they joined me. I thought what a blessing it is that they are at church with me. I have a HUGE responsibility to raise these boys alone now. They are in high school. This is such a important time in their life. Choices now will dictate the direction of their life.
I sat and immediately felt the strongest impression that someone was on my left side. No one was near me. I felt and knew it was Tyler. It was so strong... so intense that I sat still. I was scared to move and it was so intense that had it been a person sitting by me, I would have probably asked them to move and give me some space. However, I felt it was a blessing that I was feeling this. I sat and was afraid to move in fear it would go away.
Then my daughter Taylor, Travis and Jaxon came to spend the day with us. It was perfect. I even had a break down and they understood and loved me through it. I left to go visit Ty's grave. I do this almost daily due to so many thoughts and emotions going on in my head. It is where I go to be alone and yes, I am that crazy girl on my knees praying and talking to Tyler. I came home to a great dinner that the kids made together.
(lots of beautiful vases from the flowers sent)
I am going to work tomorrow. The kids will go back to school. I am nervous. I know that sounds silly. I am so blessed to have the most wonderful team. They have went above and beyond in taking care of everything.
I am just more than ever thinking about how precious enjoying life is. I am reminded that it's not ever WHAT you have but WHO you have that matters. It's LOVE and making memories and that is why I choose the song- Don't Blink by Kenny Chesney in the video for Tyler. I am going to do everything I can to make LIFE special for my children and family. I want to FOCUS on what matters most and never forget how very blessed I am during my trials and during the happy times.