Wednesday, November 26, 2014

TEAR SOUP- dealing with mine

It's almost Thanksgiving. This time last year, my husband was admitted to the hospital for his first Auto Stem Cell Transplant. I just "knew" that it was going to work. I did not think for one second that it wasn't going to. I guess it's a good think I'm optimistic. Right? I don't regret this one second either. I remember how strongly Ty and I felt that it would work and that the cancer would be GONE. We did not find out until April that it had not worked. I have to say that the battle with his cancer was one that only made us even closer. 

When you are married or watch on TV you hear often people say, "in sickness and in health." Well, let me tell you... I meant it when I promised Ty that forever I was with him. In moments of sweet tenderness, he would "hate" the way he looked.  I still adored him. He would not let me take photos (or rarely) and he wanted them all to be private. I understood, but often wanted others to know what a WARRIOR I was married to. I just wanted to take care of him. I didn't want him to worry about anything but getting better. I worked harder to ease his burden so I could take care of our family. We often talked about what a blessing God had given us with my company and the successfulness it had given us. It was indeed peace of mind for Tyler. I knew and know God is mindful of his children's needs. We saw remarkable blessings unfold and I knew that I was going to have to RISE to the challenges. I had a journey ahead and I was not allowing death in the picture. I was not accepting that one day that I was going to have to say goodbye.




The final week in the hospital was so filled with tender mercies. Imagine having to face the truth. Dr. Sweetenham came into our room and Ty was busy having a test done. He said he would come back again a little later. Ty mentioned that he never comes back normally. This time, he did and we both knew that it was time to face reality. Ty and I knew it was not going to be good news. With so much love and sadness, Dr. Sweetenham told us that they were out of options. They could not control the cancer. It was now spreading and there was no treatment options at this point. 

Ty's left leg was massive in size and swollen from his toes to the groin area. He had a blood clot in this leg that was cutting off blood flow. They put him on heparin. The lymph nodes across his abdomen were growing and getting so large. You could feel the enlarged nodes. Ty's neck was so enlarged with nodes and some in his shoulders too. The cancer, being a blood cancer was spreading and Dr. Sweetenham was so sad to tell us it was time to accept that treatment options were done. I sat there and cried with Tyler. We held hands and I just wanted to fall into the floor. He told us that Ty would leave the hospital and need hospice care. Looking back, I was still in denial. Was this really happening? Ty truly just wanted to get to come home that following Monday with me. He was worried about getting new tires for Zach's car for the Winter. He did not want me to have to do it. He was willing to endure more treatments just to have more days.

This was when reality set it. We talked about life and what he wanted. We cried and cried and then he needed me to stop. I prayed so hard to be strong. If you know me, I'm so sensitive, but somehow I tried to be brave and kept telling him how much I loved him and it was going to be okay. I knew it was the time to help him know that no matter what I would be okay... and I wanted him to not worry about me. I needed him to not worry. I have no doubts he lived for seventeen months for us. His body was ready way before his spirit was to go and he fought it. We spent hours going over our trust and will. I am sharing this with you because you have NO IDEA how many people are not prepared. We had done this years before and we discussed each of our children and their future. He shared tender feelings for each of them. We were preparing to say goodbye but I can honestly say that I was not ever ready to do this.

I stayed at the hospital but could not sleep. He was determined to go to the bathroom and get up at any time. I was so worried he would fall so I was exhausted. He was also not wanting to take pain medication at the end because he wanted to be "coherent" and not sleep. He wanted to talk and share. I marveled at his strong will when he was in so much pain. I simply knew he needed my positive outlook and just to be there with him. I held his hand and told him it was all going to be okay.

Once in the middle of the night, he was in intense pain. We somehow made it to the bathroom and I was holding him up. I was scared. The noises and sounds he was making were so hard to hear. I thought he was not going to make it out of the bathroom. They had brought us pain medication and I tried so hard to get him to swallow it. I was in the bathroom and I begged God to please take away his pain and help him. He was in a state of so much agony that I could barely get him back to the bed. I was accepting that Tyler's cancer must be getting much worse. Finally, we managed to get him back into the bed and I begged him to please take the medication to help relieve the intense pain. Within minutes he became really calm and said "I did and the pain is going away". I told him that he had not and he told me to look in the trash that he had. I checked it twice. I was literally in shock and amazed. I "knew" there was no way he had. I was with him the entire time. However, he was now in "no pain" and was laying in bed and going to sleep. I went to the trash and found nothing again. I found the two tubes of pain medication on the counter and they were untouched. He had not taken anything and yet he "had" and was now out of pain and going to sleep. He even slept for a few hours. It was a true miracle to me. I could not sleep after this and I was just so grateful for this experience. 

He did not want me to leave him his side and I held his hand and told him countless times that I loved him. He told me LOVE YOU so many times. I could not be close enough to him. I crawled in his bed the day before he passed away and he loved this. We spoke and shared our "love." Ty and Zach did not go to school and came to see their dad. Taylor and Gentry came to Huntsmen, as well as his sweet mother Carol and sister Leann and Bret his brother. We were saying our goodbyes and I wanted our entire family to be with him. I knew his family meant the world to him and I needed them close too. I was still not prepared to think it was so close. I remember telling him countless times that he was my everything and that I loved him. He needed to hear this and I knew he was relying on me to help him go.

I reminded him that what families are forever. I think he was going "home"  at times and he was going to the spirit world and then back with me. He asked me where he was. He thought he was in San Francisco Medical school at times. Then he would ask "who is that?" He was seeing people in the room. One time someone told him a joke and he laughed and told me to say it again. I told him I had not told a joke and he said, "yes, you did silly." He talked about walking up flights of stairs and having to keep going up. He mentioned "who are all those people?" He then said, "you want me to go up more?, who is that? you want me to now go left?" Then he would be back with me. I simply listened and knew I was witnessing something sacred and real. I believe that he was seeing where he was going when he passed away. I felt the most beautiful spirit in the room. It was so peaceful and I knew Ty was getting closer to leaving this world. He loved me to lightly scratch his back. 

He was never scared. Ty was steadfast in his faith in Heavenly Father until the very end. He was only sad to leave us. He made the boys promise to take care of me, honor me, not talk back and appreciate me. He told them that I worked harder than any woman he ever knew and I would do anything for them and not to take advantage of my kindness. He gave them hours of "advice" the day before he left us. He told them to work hard their entire life. Ty believed that kids should work hard and not just be given things. Working hard makes you a better person and more grateful. I wish I had taped it. Thankfully, I listened to the prompting to have them come to the hospital that Friday and not go to school. This was a "gift" to the boys and I. 

There is so much more that I could share. I wanted to share in hopes that you each know that this life is not the end. If I thought it was I would not be able to endure this pain. I sat in our closet floor today and cried. I got down on my knees and prayed for comfort. I keep thinking he is with his dad and grandfather and my mother watching over us. I miss him. This is unlike any pain I have ever felt. My poor family is dealing with me talking nonstop. I got the best book today from Ty's sister. it's called TEAR SOUP. Of course, I read it and cried. It was me!!!! It is you... it is all of us when we are grieving. I realize that we are all different. I have simply shut down and am allowing myself to be really sad, cry, reminisce, laugh at memories, and keep going through the emotions over and over.  I know that it's okay and I will somehow keep working on my own "tear soup" until I am stronger. 





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26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Teresa, sending you lots of hugs to hold you tight. Nothing will help to ease the pain but know that you are being thought of all around the world. xoxoxoxo Sheree NZ

Kelly Jean said...

Teresa, thank you so much for continuing to write and tell your story and share the most personal of details of Ty ' s passing. You could just close up and not talk to anyone, but instead you continue to inspire others. My heart breaks for you and your family, but I know from reading your blog and meeting you that you will get through this. All of you. You help me {continue to} deal with the passing of my Grandma in February of this year. She was so much more a mother than a grandmother. I was so strong through a lot of the services and just cried a little. But one morning on my way to work in April, I cried the whole way to work. Hysterically cried. It hurt so bad. But I could feel my Grandma there with me, telling me to be strong, and the sun shine only once that day, and it shined on me. I even was able to capture a photo of it and I am forever grateful for this photo. Be strong within Teresa but also be extremely vulnerable. Because it is okay to be both. I wish you and your family a Thanksgiving full of closeness and many embraces.

Leann said...

Love you, T!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this beautiful journey. Your love for each other comes across so strong in each post.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your memories, thoughts and your life. You are such a true inspiration, a beautiful woman, inside and outside and I hope you are able to continue writing, for you and for us and all others. it really helps.... every single day ...

Lisa said...

my heart is breaking as I read these updates of what you're going through I can't imagine the pain of losing your best friend and spouse. my thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

Sherry Tasker said...

You are such a blessing for so many people. I don't think you will ever understand how much you help. Thank you and god bless!!

Kathy Jo said...

Thank you for sharing all that you are feeling. You are an inspiration. Thank you. Praying for peace and comfort and knowing that Heavenly Father answers prayers.

Janna B. said...

dear Teresa, I found your blog recently, I love your work .... and I am terrribly sorry for your loss. Cannot imagine how painful it must be for you and your family. And thank you for writing about it, Hopefully it will help every each of us to deal with pain, to appreciate ... you are truly unbelievable! Thank you!
Jana

Ms. Lucie said...

Teresa, I am amazed at how you continue to share with us the very intimate nature of your grief. Just like you share the joys of life also. I know I joy with hundreds of others who continue to lift you all up during this time of grief. You are working through it. Take your time. This is something that is intensely personal and different for everyone. So just give yourself time to grieve and know that you are loved!

Jean said...

That looks like a wonderful book. You continue to amaze me with your strength.

Anonymous said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Praying you will be blessed with peace and comfort on this sad journey. P. Cloud - Edmond OK.

Andrea said...

Thinking of you and your beautiful family today and every day.....

Glenda said...

I wish I could take your pain away, and help you as you did me, which I will forever be grateful. xx

Philippa said...

Hi Teresa honey, I am so, so proud of you for allowing yourself to ''be'' tear soup... That might sound odd but what I mean is you are not shutting yourself off from your grief.. you are feeling every tiny ounce of it to the utmost degree and letting your tears fall whenever they need to. I don't mean this to sound airy-fairy.. I truly believe that tears are nature's way of easing our burden and calming and cleansing our souls. I am with you every second of every day, and with your gorgeous family too...
Thank you for sharing such intimate details of the last days with Ty, you inspire me to the moon and back and if I could be 1/64th of the person you are I would be so privileged! Much love and more hugs than you can know.. xxxx

Lisa said...

It is so touching reading your words, please know that you and your family have been in my thoughts and I ask that the Good Lord give you all strength and comfort at this difficult time.

Dee Fisher said...

Each person has to get through their grief in their own way. What works for you is what you need to do. May GOD pour his love over you and your family at this time.

gela said...

Thank you for reminding us to be thankful everyday

CathyH said...

Thank you for sharing. God is with you.

patty messner said...

my heart aches for you & your family...
thank you for your honesty & sharing.
xo.

ScrappinLita said...

Thank you for sharing this painful journey with us. When my brother was in his last days, he spoke of our dad helping him with the buttons on his shirt. Our dad was waiting for him to join him in heaven. While painful, it was soothing to hear that his beautiful arrival to our eternal home was being guided. I'm grateful that our Lord gave you some comforting moments with Tyler as well. God's blessing to all of you.

scrapwordsmom said...

Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful and very sacred experience with us. My heart hurts for you sweet Teresa. You are so very strong!!! Lots of love!!!

Veronica said...

Teresa, it is such a blessing that you and your family got to spend so much time with Ty at the end of his life here on earth sharing and praying together. Those are memories you will cherish for a lifetime.

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