I have typed this so many times. I keep deleting. I am still at the hospital with my husband. It is in the middle of the night. I am not sleeping... very little if at all. I just have to keep watching him. He asks me to "not leave him." I wouldn't even if he wanted me too. There are many tender words expressed. We always have called ourselves "besties" and "best friends." Sometimes it's a word... bestie or best friend. Right now, I tell him, "It's going to okay. I love you." When you don't know what to say, simply say... I love you. I have learned this. My mind is racing a thousand directions and emotions are tender.
As many of you know, our family is having a hard time watching this happen. There are no more treatments. They let Ty and I know this week that nothing has worked and the disease has progressed to a point that we are facing the end of his life journey. We wanted to make sure our children knew what is happening prior to sharing.
How do you ever prepare for this? It's 3 am in the morning and I can tell you that my heart is so sad. I try so hard not to cry around Tyler. All I can do is be strong in front of him. I can't leave his side. I have been at the hospital this entire week and cherish every moment. I wish I could sleep, but watching the person you love MORE than anything in this journey has shut me down. I am hoping that my friends who read this... my neighbors will take care of my children right now. My heart is heavy knowing they don't have me at home to love and care for them. I just realized in the middle of the night that they may need milk and food and life has to go on for them. I am thankful for many people helping and watch over my kids. With the most thankfulness my church ward has been bringing in dinners each night to my children. My two son in laws Devan and Travis are helping them. Devan is staying with my boys. I knew my youngest son needed a "male figure" because he is always best around strong men. I don't know if this makes sense. I just listened to God and knew that I had to ask Devan and Gentry to come to the home this past week. Ty reminded my boys here yesterday. The most important decision you make if life will be who you marry and have a family with. This is wise words.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling. I am sure I am. I had lost my mother suddenly and now I am losing my husband. My best friend in a totally different way. He wants to live so bad. He has not lost his HOPE. He has spent time with the children. He is struggling in the last stages of cancer. Yesterday, he told me that I can share that they let us know that he is dying and when he goes home from the hospital, he will have hospice care. The doctors have been so kind, so wonderful and we "knew" what they were going to tell us. I have wanted to keep things very private at my husbands request.
So this morning, I am in total darkness and sharing my soul. I want to let you know that the last few days have been so beautiful. We are saying our goodbyes. I have laid by him in the bed and wept with him. This GIANT of a man, still has hopes of a miracle. He wants to live so bad. He doesn't want to leave me and the kids. He is most worried about our two teenage boys. He knows this is a hard age for boys. This is breaking his heart. Ty talks about his strong faith and accepts that when he dies this has been God's will. He has never been angry. I wish you could all know him. I wish you could see his dedication to me and our children. We have two beautiful children on missions. McKay and Seth only give him comfort. He is so proud of them. They are aware that their dad will be going HOME to God sooner than we expected. I would give anything to hug them both right now and comfort them. I am most worried about our younger sons right now since there was no way to prepare them for this loss and change. Ty is the best dad. There is no replacing him and his greatness and wisdom. He told them that he will be with them. Ty reminded the boys that he will watch Zach play college baseball. He will watch Ty snowboard, and see them both graduate high school, go on missions, go to college, eventually marry and have their own children. If they are doing something wrong, he is gonna give them a little pinch. (yes, my husband is so funny too!)
I have to say that because of our faith, we believe we are an eternal family. We believe that this life is a small pinpoint in our journey. We all die and will go back to live with our Father in heaven and Jesus Christ. THIS life does not end our marriage, our love, our sealing to be together forever. I know that families are forever. THIS is what comforts me right now. I don't know what I would do if I thought death was the end. I believe that death is hardest for those left behind. Tyler keeps telling me that he is sorry. He keeps saying this. He tells me, "I am sorry, I am leaving you. I don't want to and I know where I'm going and will be fine." He told me that it will be hardest on me and our children. I know this is true. I know saying good bye is not what I want to do, even now I think... please God don't take him. I don't want him to go, but I am asking God to now let him suffer anymore. I believe that death is a glorious reunion in heaven with God and those that have past on before us. I know his dad and grandparents are there waiting for him. I am sharing WHAT gives me comfort and peace. It doesn't and won't take away my immense broken heart. I will miss him and don't know how I will face this but I know it's part of life's plan.
I once read a book on grieving by Russell M Nelson. It was right after my mom died and I was struggling. I needed to know it was natural to feel all the feelings I was feeling. He spoke about it here and you can watch it: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/doors-of-death?lang=eng
He said "Irrespective of age, we MOURN for those love and lost. MOURNING is the one of the DEEPEST expressions of pure love."
I wanted to share the latest on what my husband is enduring and our family. He expressed his wishes yesterday that it was time to share what is going on. The plan is for him to leave the hospital this Monday. Then he will be having hospice care at our home. We now know that this is God's plan and will and we are praying as a family for him to be out of pain.
When the doctors told us that this disease is winning, they mentioned Ty would need hospice care. After many tears, Ty called his sister who is a hospice nurse and asked Leann if she would and could be his nurse. As you can imagine, this is a tender mercy. I sat by Tyler as he called his sister. He had tears flowing as he told her that he was dying and would she be his hospice nurse. I can't imagine how hard this is for his "big sister" to do this for him and for us.
Many tender tears are flowing as I see what she is doing for her "little brother." I am sure she never thought that she would be caring for her brother as he died. I know God is mindful of us in this time of need. As my heart is breaking, I can't help but think of my mother in law Carol. She moved in with us, and did everything she could to help us. I know she is grieving and this is her "son". I want her here now and join me as we take care of Tyler. I am so grateful she has been here. A mother losing a child is never easy and my heart is heavy for her and our children. In my darkest hours I remind myself to be grateful for Tyler. I must be grateful that God blessed me with him for 19 amazing years. I must be grateful for our family. I love each of you. I thank you for supporting me and our family right now. I hope I can share my story in hopes that you will see "your own story and life" and cherish every moment of it. I never thought I would be facing this. I never thought when I married Ty that he would be dying of cancer. I realize and am so grateful for the best husband and father. I am fortunate that I have taken photos and made memories that I hope will help me and the family in this sad journey.