Friday, November 28, 2014
Where is the MANUAL?????
When I had my children I always said, WHY can't they come with an owners manual? You know as a parent it would be so handy. I would have one for EACH of my children. They are all special models and unique.
Well, today I thought... wow, these feelings are SO foreign to me. WHAT am I doing? I don't know why I'm feeling so many things at one time. I realized that around 2 pm it was Thanksgiving dinner time and I had not gotten out of my husband pajamas. My kids asked me to go change and I never did. Finally, we went to the grave around 4:30pm and in my rush I left the house in the pi's and no coat. Is this normal? Who is to say what is normal right? I have to say that this is uncharted territory for me. Where is the manual? It is called LIFE and we learn as we go through the journey. I have committed to myself that tomorrow I will get dressed and stay out of bed.
I was in denial to the very end. I did not want to think that Tyler was not going to make it. So now... I'm facing the reality of life going on in a different way. I guess you could say, I am still in disbelief. I am trying to be gentle on myself since I know that TIME is really going to help and that all of these emotions are normal. I did not expect to feel this way and have been dealing with so many feelings all at once.
Today, I watched Taylor, Gentry and Devan prepare a beautiful meal for our family. My friend Bridget came to our home to join us. I was not the best of company and ended up in my bed crying. I am just being honest. I figure that someday my story will help someone know that we all grieve differently. Plus, it's the holiday season. Carol came by and she said something that hit me tenderly, "You have to go on living." I watched her and I realized that she is giving me wise words of advice. I was embarrassed that I was still undressed. My kids need me right now to be stronger. I had a little "awakening" today when she said this.
On a day of thanksgiving I did frequently give many thanks. I did a 100 THINGS I am thankful for list. This was a text from my friend Amy who said, "Sit in bed today and start writing the things that you are thankful for. Even if you are in a place where it has to start with something basic like oxygen in the room. Just start thinking and writing and thinking about that. I challenge you to get to 100 things by the end of the day. And you know you are at the very top of my list everyday!"
So I did the challenge today and I had easily 100 things to be thankful for. They all centered back to family in some way. Our family, our children, our home, our beliefs, etc. I am thankful to announce that .....