Friday, November 28, 2014

Where is the MANUAL?????

When I had my children I always said, WHY can't they come with an owners manual? You know as a parent it would be so handy. I would have one for EACH of my children. They are all special models and unique. 

Well, today I thought... wow, these feelings are SO foreign to me. WHAT am I doing? I don't know why I'm feeling so many things at one time. I realized that around 2 pm it was Thanksgiving dinner time and I had not gotten out of my husband pajamas. My kids asked me to go change and I never did. Finally, we went to the grave around 4:30pm and in my rush I left the house in the pi's and no coat. Is this normal? Who is to say what is normal right? I have to say that this is uncharted territory for me. Where is the manual? It is called LIFE and we learn as we go through the journey. I have committed to myself that tomorrow I will get dressed and stay out of bed.

 I was in denial to the very end. I did not want to think that Tyler was not going to make it. So now... I'm facing the reality of life going on in a different way. I guess you could say, I am still in disbelief. I am trying to be gentle on myself since I know that TIME is really going to help and that all of these emotions are normal. I did not expect to feel this way and have been dealing with so many feelings all at once.

 Today, I watched Taylor, Gentry and Devan prepare a beautiful meal for our family. My friend Bridget came to our home to join us. I was not the best of company and ended up in my bed crying. I am just being honest. I figure that someday my story will help someone know that we all grieve differently. Plus, it's the holiday season. Carol came by and she said something that hit me tenderly, "You have to go on living." I watched her and I realized that she is giving me wise words of advice. I was embarrassed that I was still undressed. My kids need me right now to be stronger. I had a little "awakening" today when she said this.

On a day of thanksgiving I did frequently give many thanks. I did a 100 THINGS I am thankful for list. This was a text from my friend Amy who said, "Sit in bed today and start writing the things that you are thankful for. Even if you are in a place where it has to start with something basic like oxygen in the room. Just start thinking and writing and thinking about that. I challenge you to get to 100 things by the end of the day. And you know you are at the very top of my list everyday!" 

So I did the challenge today and I had easily 100 things to be thankful for. They all centered back to family in some way. Our family, our children, our home, our beliefs, etc. I am thankful to announce that .....

My gorgeous pregnant daughter and her dashing husband Devan found out yesterday that their baby is going to be A   BOY!!!!!

Devan was thrilled and kept showing the ultrasound photos. "I'm gonna have a boy." He was thrilled and we all thought it was going to be a little girl. This is something that I have to look forward to. 

I want to share a few photos that I took on my camera before the viewing. I just was overwhelmed at the flowers and beautiful cards sent. These are just a few. They were everywhere and still be delivered when I took these photos.

So many of my partners and friends in business sent large gorgeous flowers- Canon, Craftwell, Cricut, American Crafts, Bella Blvd, Scrapbox, my Australia friends, MME, Patricia my distributor from Portugal, PSA Essentials, and more. I know that Tyler was so proud of me and would be so touched that they had thought to send flowers and beautiful sentiments.  We had flowers from Ty's patients and work colleagues at Family Foothill Clinic. 

My son Zach wanted a large photo of his dad by the casket. He want them to remember how he really looked. The cancer and treatments had made him very thin and he had lost his muscles and his hair. It was just starting to come back. My husband was one to take care of himself. He was athletic, active and watched what he ate and watched his weight. He was very handsome and did I mention I met him at the gym? Yes, the very first time I went to this gym. I always joked to my single girlfriends, "it pays to work out!"

The Murray High School Baseball team SHOWED up. They are like family to Zach. His coaches are huge role models to him. He told me that he has lost his "biggest fan" just hours after his dad died that Saturday night. I knew it was true. There was no competing. Ty went to every one of Zach's games. He would disobey doctors orders and go watch from the sidelines away from everyone. He wanted to watch his son play ball if it was the last thing he was doing. He said, "Keep your eye on the ball." I think this could be a great way to look at life and told Zach this. Keep your EYE and your FOCUS on what matters most. My husband was wise and I know I am who I am today because of his strong personality.

I put photos in frames to display. I wanted to share "his story." I wanted others to WISH if they did not know him that they did. He could be more quiet. Ty was the type of man who loved greatly and was very tender in his feelings. He just didn't show it too much.

This is our youngest son and child. Ty is fifteen years old- soon he will be sixteen. I worry most about him. He is being more quiet and I know that this is so hard to lose your father in high school. He is in 10th grade this year. Again, I am spending a lot of time praying for guidance.

We had a few tables with more photos and we had two TVs going with the video going.  I really wanted others to know how wonderful and special he was. 

This is my beautiful sister Shelley. She came at a moments notice. She flew from NC to be with me. I needed her and she got off from work and came. The poor girl is not emotional like me. She kept crying when she saw me crying. She ended up crying a lot. She hates funerals but she still came and was there for me. My kids love their aunt. I can't thank her enough for coming for five days to just help and listen. 

I picked out the black casket with the silver trim. I felt it suited my husband. My sweet mother in law got the most gorgeous casket spray for Tyler.  This was the night of the viewing. So many people came. It was a very long line and I was so thankful to see so many people there that loved him and our family so much. It gave me  comfort and peace.

I am taking it day by day and honestly just feeling so THANKFUL for our unbelievable life together. I look at our children and smile bigger. I know that now that I am alone, I will face some tough things on this new journey. I know that this is not what I would have wanted or asked for. However, I accept God's will and know that slowly I will figure it all out. As our family is coping with the loss together,  it's hard. It is ultimately a deeply personal experience for each of us. I've told my kids to simply allow each of us to feel the grief and know it's completely normal and necessary to mourn in our own way and time. 

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At November 28, 2014 at 6:15 AM , Blogger hotpotato said...

As they say 'time is a healer'. You take all the time you need. xx

At November 28, 2014 at 8:32 AM , Blogger Stephanie Ackerman said...

Constantly thinking of you and praying for comfort, peace and healing.

At November 28, 2014 at 9:22 AM , Blogger kat-in-texas said...

Aww, T.....everybody grieves in their own way to get through the worst trials of life. You're in the denial/pj's stage right now--that's okay!!! Your friend is right to focus on the things you are thankful for. And also focus your attention to God's Word that is full of promises and hope. Thank Him for your family, your health, your Christian witness, and His Son, Jesus Christ. No one else can give you peace and lift your spirits like Jesus Hugs.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13.

At November 28, 2014 at 9:34 AM , Blogger Jean said...

Thinking of you. It is difficult to go on living, but you can and you will.

At November 28, 2014 at 9:54 AM , Blogger pam hellewell said...

After my son died I had to get outside and start walking....walking and crying. Time helps you hide the tears but the pain will always be there. Don't feel guilty about coping the best you can...even if PJ's are on all day...

At November 28, 2014 at 9:59 AM , Blogger Auntie Em said...

Each day has it's own set of rules. Go by them and keep going ahead. Some days you will lead. Other days your children will lead. Some days are just plain rough for everyone and someone else may have to help you along but you can do this. You are a wonderful strong woman who is surrounded by love and support. Nothing else matters. {{{hug}}}

At November 28, 2014 at 12:11 PM , Blogger BettyMae said...

You are doing a great job of allowing yourself to grieve in all it's stages while moving forward. Bless you Teresa. Praying for comfort for you and your family today.

At November 28, 2014 at 1:22 PM , Blogger Pink Blossom Creations said...

My dad passed away when I was 8 years old (I am now 45) there are days that go by when nothing really enters my head and days when just some small thing triggers a memory (of which I don't have many) But look at my youngest and certain expressions I know are dad. Ty maybe gone as a physical person but in your heart, mind and every day life he will always be there watching and looking over you and your lovely family ... big hugs and love xx

At November 28, 2014 at 2:39 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and your family teresa, every day.... i wish i could do something for you and your family ... wishing you all the strength and courage you will need. hugs and love from the other side of the ocean.

At November 28, 2014 at 5:04 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you are acting perfectly normal for the situation. You sound exactly like what I'd be doing too. You'll know when it's time to shed the will. Give yourself the time you need. The pain is indescribable and the emptiness feels like nothing you've ever felt before. No one can fill that void right now and it's a scary feeling. No sleep, no food, no friends, no family can fill that spot. What I CAN tell you my dear is that it DOES get better. Remember the scripture, "weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning". A night may be a year or 6 months, but Gods promis is that you Teresa, will feel joy again. It's a promise to you from your Heavenly Father. I also know without a shadow of a doubt, you will love and be loved again. Mark it on your calendar that Erika T told you this. Lol I send much love and prayers to you.

At November 28, 2014 at 6:08 PM , Blogger Donna J. said...

Give yourself a break. I am still grieving for my brother who died over the summer. Everyday write something down that will get you through it. Like a positive thought book. It maybe something like finding a 'baseball bat for new grandson' or 'I am going to get out of bed and take a walk outside'. Even if you wind up back in bed(which is fine), you know that you did something positive for yourself that day. BTW-here is a positive thought, funny that your daughter is having a boy, maybe your husband had a hand in that one (; . Prayers for you.

At November 28, 2014 at 6:35 PM , Blogger Jen said...

You are right in that there is no timeline with grief. You are allowed to cry and talk about Tyler as much and as long as you need to! I know it isn't the same, but when I lost my mom I felt so shell shocked. I had to relearn how to navigate life without her. I'm praying for your comfort and some peace, Teresa! Love you!

At November 28, 2014 at 7:24 PM , Blogger patty messner said...

sending prayers, love & peace...

At November 28, 2014 at 9:55 PM , Blogger Theresa Smith said...

Thank you for publicly sharing your journey. I know you are touching many lives with your story. I have never experienced the depth of love & devotion you describe. You are very blessed to have experienced Ty's true love. I can't imagine the depth of your sorrow, but please know that so many of your blog readers are lifting you & your family up & enveloping you all in love.

At November 29, 2014 at 4:59 AM , Blogger Kathy Jo said...

Sending prayers to you - and thank you for sharing. The strength and openness of your feelings will touch so many others. Praying for peace and comfort and knowing Heavenly Father is watching over you all.

At November 30, 2014 at 12:45 PM , Blogger Lisa Floyd said...

Praying for you and your family. May the Lord bring you peace and love in your time of need.

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