Wednesday, December 10, 2014

This is TENDER

If you are a regular blog reader of mine, you have probably figured out that I just simply blog for myself and my children. I try not to think of all the people around the world who follow and read my blog. I don't want to "not share" in fear of what you might think of me. I am just one of those girls who will always follow my heart. I want my story, my blog and my life to be real. REAL life can be tough... right now, my life is TENDER. I simply did not have the energy to even think about blogging the last few days. If you are here reading this than you are on this new journey with me. I have moments of wailing (I can't even call it crying), to moments of smiling as I look at the kids, or see the "little's" on instagram. I think "Ty is missing this. I wish he was here."  My sweet mother in law and sister in law check on me daily. They have loved me in such a way that I know it's actually Tyler through them. I know that he is so mindful of each of us and our sadness/missing him right now. Ty is still with each of our children, grandchildren, his mother, sister, brother and me right now. I am thankful for the tender reminders that he is near. I could write a book on just these very special moments and mercies that we have witnessed. Grief is something I am trying to understand and accept. The emotions are raw and change from one emotion to another.

 I visit Ty's grave again and again. It has been mere weeks since Tyler left to return to Heavenly Father. I think of him nonstop. I want to talk about him and us nonstop. I wake up every morning and look over to where he should be. The honest truth is Zach has slept with me since Ty died. He has a hard time at night. He is comforted by me. I still cry every single day (many times). I still feel like I'm going a little crazy every day. I can honestly say, that because Ty and I were so close it's just the most intense MISSING and yearning for him that I have ever experienced. 

I have spoken to friends who have lost their spouse and they told me " I felt like I was going crazy." This honestly helps so much to know that I am "not alone." I don't have the energy to call or talk to others right now. I find that I am busy just within my own head and dealing with the emotions and loss. Last night, a friend of a friend that I do not know called me. She has heard I was widowed recently and called to tell me her experience. It has been a year since her husband died of cancer at the same age of my husband. I admit, talking to someone else who "understands" is so helpful. She said, "GRIEF is hard. It's really real." We talked to a long time and I appreciated her story. I loved that she just shared her experience so I can remember- 1. I'm not crazy and be gentle 2. This is a LONG process 3. just remember to be grateful for life.

Every one of us has trials and times of sadness. I know that we are given these trials to challenge and refine us. In my head, I know that death is not the end and that I will see my sweet husband again.     I know this. I am so thankful for my faith. THIS is what keeps me going. In my heart, I miss my best friend so much that it is crippling. How enormously FORTUNATE am I to have found this LOVE, this man. I am who I am because I married Tyler and together we both became better and grew. I think of these memories, look at the photos, read our love letters and notes and just say THANK YOU to God for allowing us to have this beautiful love story. 

I miss my best friend so much.  

I haven't touched his personal belongings. I'm simply not ready. I have decided to take the advice from many people in not making any major decisions in the next year. I admit, that my thoughts are always going in so many directions and now is not the time to make  big decisions. I can't decide what to make for dinner and so now is the time to just take it day by day and be thankful for the tender mercies. I do something EVERY day though- today I have an appt with the Social Security office. It's baby steps and knowing I can do this. I am learning a lot about myself right now.  

The day before Tyler died he told me, "I am going to be okay. I will be in a better place. I know YOU will struggle with missing me, be sad and alone and this is going to be hard on you. You will have a lot to deal with alone and I know you can do it. I'll be with you helping you." He was worried about me and I reassured him and promised him that I would be okay. I told him it was okay for him to "go home" and that I would be STRONG for him. I promised him I would take care of our boys and girls and raise them like he would want. I know he needed the reassurance that I would be a WARRIOR. I now know "somehow" that I will be okay. Life has changed.... yet, he FOUGHT so hard to live. I have to FIGHT just as hard to LIVE with a different kind of pain. 

I am simply allowing myself to slow down for a time... to feel, cry and grieve. I have my GRIEF bear to remind me. Just take it day by day. BE GENTLE on others and myself.  I want to feel okay again. I know that it will never be the same, but I know that this is part of God's plan and the story how it continues. Each day I can focus on what I  have and be grateful. I want to thank all of you who have sent me messages and emails, or called. I cannot respond or answer right now, but trust me I appreciate the uplifting messages and support.  I share many of these with my children and we are most grateful. I think I am kind of hibernating as I try to heal a bit. I love all of you so much. 

and we are certainly going to together again.

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At December 10, 2014 at 7:24 AM , Blogger Kathleen said...

Since Ty's passing, I haven't know how to comment on your blog but I have been on this journey with you, praying for you and your kids. So know that just because people aren't commented they still are "with you", "thinking of you", "praying for you". Thank you for sharing your life and family with us so openly. Your faith in a loving Heavenly Father "shines" just as the love between you and your husband still "shines". God bless and may you feel the warm embrace of your Father today.

At December 10, 2014 at 7:44 AM , Blogger KathyGielow said...

I feel each of your words and your faith. I almost feel like you have described my life of the last 5 years. During the first year I read a book that really helped me called " the Year of Magical Thinking." it is written by a woman who lost her husband and shared her feelings and experiences during the first year of that loss. It does help to reassure you that you are not crazy! I would never have made it without my faith and my determination to make my husband proud. I feel his presence and grace with me every single day. I may never heal, but I am ok. Some days it is the most we can hope for and it is enough.

At December 10, 2014 at 7:57 AM , Blogger ~Tammy~ said...

Teresa you brought tears to my eyes! Blog away. Your feelings are so tender and raw. It's wonderful that people are reaching out that can reassure you!

I lost my father to cancer. He was in his early 50's. A life cut short too soon. It was tough all the things he missed, but my Mom did an amazing job because she had to live for her children! Your children and grandchildren will give you that strength.

At December 10, 2014 at 8:15 AM , Blogger LauraEva said...

This has got to be one of the hardest things a person has to to endure. I remember my mother after my father passed away suddenly. She did not touch his belongings for over a year. That was ok. You will do it when you are ready. Everything is still fresh. And fresh wounds take time to heal. God only knows how long the hurt will ease up. but you are strong. You remember the good times (and other times) and that is making you stronger, even if you do not ralize it. please know that us, your readers and fans (whom I think we like to think us as you friends) are here for you, so if you want to pour your heart out, cry, laugh, share whatever, we are here for you. Please, PLEASE know that you are not crazy---you are a wonderful woman who has suffered through something terribel, but God has a plan...he always does... {{{HUGS}}}

At December 10, 2014 at 8:26 AM , Blogger hotpotato said...

grief has no time limit but you will get there in your own time. As for sorting Ty's personal belongings you will do that when you feel the time is right, they aren't going anywhere. HUGS to you and your family, your next big hurdle will be Christmas, but with the love of your family I'm sure you will come through the other side. xx

At December 10, 2014 at 9:09 AM , Blogger Lisa Spiegel said...

Teresa, the first time I met you was over 10 years ago at Scrapbook Oasis in Irvine. You were teaching a class and Ty had come along with you to help you. He was such a sweet man and the love between you two was almost tangible. You have no idea how many lives you and Ty have touched, just by knowing you. I hope you can feel the love being directed towards you and your family from so many of us who have been praying for Ty and you and your family during the last couple of difficult years. While there is nothing i can say to making things different, just know that I am (and so many are) lifting you in prayer and sending loving thoughts of strength and healing for your hearts. xoxo

At December 10, 2014 at 9:18 AM , Blogger Unknown said...

I know that you think you are weak. But I can tell you as someone who is reading your blog and that has actually talked to you face to face about Ty. I think you are one of the strongest women I've ever met. It takes strength to be able to focus on the LOVE you shared with your husband and your children. Even in the saddest time of your life you are sharing your heart with the world and reminding all of us that we need to be grateful for our husbands and our families and for life. I was a "fan" before I met you. I knew you were special after. I am praying for you Teresa. I am praying for your children.
You are a Warrior.

At December 10, 2014 at 11:05 AM , Blogger Unknown said...

I keep praying for you and your family Teresa. I was worried about you when I noticed you hadn't blogged for a few days. I'm so glad you have an amazing family helping you through this. Love and prayers.

At December 10, 2014 at 12:29 PM , Blogger Laura Macias said...

I just felt the need to write to you even though I have never done so. I have followed along in your journey and have prayed for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss and what you must be going through. It will be hard and you will stumble along the way. You are right to take it one day at a time and hopefully those days will be filled with some joy for you. Take care of yourself and just do the best you can at the moment.

At December 10, 2014 at 12:38 PM , Blogger Teri said...

Even though the loss of my Dad was a little over four years ago, the love and the missing haven't gone away.. the sharp pain has eased a little, but there are still times I cry and cry. Our family is very close, as is yours, and thank God we are! My Mom is still struggling, they were married 58 years three days before he died suddenly of a massive stroke. She always says she must be crazy, missing him so very much every day still, and I always reassure her that of course she isn't. Reading your life story makes me know that their love endures... and our Dad is still with us... and Ty is still with you, always in your heart... thank you for sharing your innermost feelings, honestly, they help ME as well.... huge hugs to you and your family..

At December 10, 2014 at 1:03 PM , Blogger Unknown said...

Your brutal honesty is helping all of us who have walked part of this road, either because of death of a spouse, a parent, a sibling or a loved one. Thank you for being brave enough to share. It is helpful to you and especially to us. God has put it on your heart to share for many many reasons. Most you will never know of. Thank you for listening to God as he is using your talents and writings to help so many. "Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted."

At December 10, 2014 at 1:08 PM , Blogger Unknown said...

You might not know it - but you have been a warrior for a long time!

At December 10, 2014 at 2:22 PM , Blogger Maria said...

Teresa you have a heart that just sparkles, I have no idea what your going thru right now, but it makes me want to hug my hubby tighter, not go to bed angry, and just embrace each moment together...
Thank you you are just a beautiful warrior who bears her heart with each post you make...
Your hubby would be so proud of how you dealt with his passing and I'm sure he's that angel sitting on your shoulder, giving you the strength and comfort to approach each day....

At December 10, 2014 at 3:07 PM , Anonymous Philippa said...

Hi Teresa honey, my heart is so tender reading this post. Tender for you and your absolutely gorgeous family. What a special, special relationship you all have with each other and I KNOW without a doubt that yes, Ty is with each and every one of you, helping you and watching over you. My Dad died 16 years ago this past October and I still feel him, right here with me, each day. I miss him and my heart aches for him like it was yesterday but I'm comforted knowing he is with me. Honey continue to be TRULY gentle with yourself and like you said just ''baby steps'' doing something each day. More love, hugs and all of my extra strength heading your way. I'm so happy McKay will be home in a few days - that is just magical especially now. Hug her tight! xxxx

At December 10, 2014 at 5:15 PM , Blogger Jean said...

One day at a time.

At December 10, 2014 at 6:54 PM , Blogger Tracey said...

Grief is tough. Everyone around you moves on and life goes on for them and you're still stuck dealing with the pain. That is what I am finding most difficult right now. Reading your blog posts actually help me to feel like I am not alone. Our situations are so similar yet not the same at all. You lost your husband to cancer, I lost my mom to the disease - both devastating losses. Like you, I am trying to take each day as it comes and get through. Some days are better than others. My heart goes out to you and especially to your kids since I feel the incredible pain and loss they are feeling right now. Thank you for continuing to share your journey.

At December 10, 2014 at 9:06 PM , Blogger gela said...

Praying for you to stay strong and healthy.

At December 10, 2014 at 9:16 PM , Blogger Melissa said...

Ty would be so proud of you! One day at a time- your strength is shining through even though you probably can't see it yet.

At December 10, 2014 at 10:12 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just remember....
Feathers are reminders that Angels are always near

At December 11, 2014 at 4:41 AM , Blogger Kathy Jo said...

You ARE a warrior! And Ty is so proud of you! You are right... give yourself time and be very gentle. With faith and love...

At December 11, 2014 at 12:54 PM , Blogger ScrappinLita said...

Always thinking of you. I saw this on Amazon (vinyl sign), and thought of you: BECAUSE SOMEONE WE LOVE IS IN HEAVEN, THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF HEAVEN IN OUR HOME. God's blessings to all of you.

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