I visit Ty's grave again and again. It has been mere weeks since Tyler left to return to Heavenly Father. I think of him nonstop. I want to talk about him and us nonstop. I wake up every morning and look over to where he should be. The honest truth is Zach has slept with me since Ty died. He has a hard time at night. He is comforted by me. I still cry every single day (many times). I still feel like I'm going a little crazy every day. I can honestly say, that because Ty and I were so close it's just the most intense MISSING and yearning for him that I have ever experienced.
I have spoken to friends who have lost their spouse and they told me " I felt like I was going crazy." This honestly helps so much to know that I am "not alone." I don't have the energy to call or talk to others right now. I find that I am busy just within my own head and dealing with the emotions and loss. Last night, a friend of a friend that I do not know called me. She has heard I was widowed recently and called to tell me her experience. It has been a year since her husband died of cancer at the same age of my husband. I admit, talking to someone else who "understands" is so helpful. She said, "GRIEF is hard. It's really real." We talked to a long time and I appreciated her story. I loved that she just shared her experience so I can remember- 1. I'm not crazy and be gentle 2. This is a LONG process 3. just remember to be grateful for life.
Every one of us has trials and times of sadness. I know that we are given these trials to challenge and refine us. In my head, I know that death is not the end and that I will see my sweet husband again. I know this. I am so thankful for my faith. THIS is what keeps me going. In my heart, I miss my best friend so much that it is crippling. How enormously FORTUNATE am I to have found this LOVE, this man. I am who I am because I married Tyler and together we both became better and grew. I think of these memories, look at the photos, read our love letters and notes and just say THANK YOU to God for allowing us to have this beautiful love story.
I miss my best friend so much.
I haven't touched his personal belongings. I'm simply not ready. I have decided to take the advice from many people in not making any major decisions in the next year. I admit, that my thoughts are always going in so many directions and now is not the time to make big decisions. I can't decide what to make for dinner and so now is the time to just take it day by day and be thankful for the tender mercies. I do something EVERY day though- today I have an appt with the Social Security office. It's baby steps and knowing I can do this. I am learning a lot about myself right now.
The day before Tyler died he told me, "I am going to be okay. I will be in a better place. I know YOU will struggle with missing me, be sad and alone and this is going to be hard on you. You will have a lot to deal with alone and I know you can do it. I'll be with you helping you." He was worried about me and I reassured him and promised him that I would be okay. I told him it was okay for him to "go home" and that I would be STRONG for him. I promised him I would take care of our boys and girls and raise them like he would want. I know he needed the reassurance that I would be a WARRIOR. I now know "somehow" that I will be okay. Life has changed.... yet, he FOUGHT so hard to live. I have to FIGHT just as hard to LIVE with a different kind of pain.
I am simply allowing myself to slow down for a time... to feel, cry and grieve. I have my GRIEF bear to remind me. Just take it day by day. BE GENTLE on others and myself. I want to feel okay again. I know that it will never be the same, but I know that this is part of God's plan and the story how it continues. Each day I can focus on what I have and be grateful. I want to thank all of you who have sent me messages and emails, or called. I cannot respond or answer right now, but trust me I appreciate the uplifting messages and support. I share many of these with my children and we are most grateful. I think I am kind of hibernating as I try to heal a bit. I love all of you so much.
I know that FAMILIES ARE FOREVER. This is my REASON
LIFE GOES ON...
and we are certainly going to together again.