Sunday, December 14, 2014

GLORIOUS...

Each day I push myself to keep GOING. Keep LOVING. Keep looking for the POSITIVE. I can choose each day to stay in bed or LIVE life. I am up early getting ready to take the boys to church. I had a HUGE... I mean HUGE moment last night with my son. 

It was 4 weeks ago that Tyler passed away now. It is now the ONE month mark. Our life has simply changed. I have been struggling in my new role as a "widow." It also means I am alone to parent two high school boys. It is now me who is running a household and taking care of things that I have never done. Emotions have run really intense and I think our overall sadness and missing Ty has been felt within our home. It's reality that we are all grieving in different ways and stages. I find it harder for each of us to understand each other right now. It's just OFF. I don't know how to explain it. The "STRONG" presence of having Tyler is gone. 

Zach sat with me last night and we talked for a long time. He told me that I had changed. I listened as he told me, that he needs me to parent the way I used to parent. I was a little taken back. Truth is... it hurt my feelings. I had no idea what he meant. He told me that I was trying to be dad now and was missing "me". Okay... What did that mean?  I thought and we discussed how I do feel like I need to be the stricter parent now, and I have to be more like dad. Zach opened up and asked me to just be me again. The problem is that Ty and I were a team. I am the easier going parent. Ty was respected and when he asked the kids to do something, it was taken more seriously. I guess you could say, that my parenting was very nurturing and talking. Now I feel like I HAVE to be both and my boys are resisting. I feel very alone in this new role. 

WHERE IS THE MANUAL FOR THIS?????  I am so not sure what I am doing here. I just keep trying our new "NEW" and it's just not the same. The grief is so present and I feel that I am  certainly making mistakes. I wish the kids could know how hard this new path is for me. I never thought I would ever be a "single" parent with no help in raising them. LIFE can change in a instant. I am trying to pick up the pieces and "figure" it out on my own. 


I have never been more appreciative for Heavenly Father in my life. I have turned to God to help me. I cannot do this on my own. I know I will need HIS help. I know that I have to find a "new way" to connect with my boys especially. I can't give up when I get discouraged. I am trying hard to stay positive and surround myself with things that inspire me. I have been listening to the song for the past two days (almost non-stop)- GLORIOUS by David Archuleta. 

 Each of us are truly GLORIOUS. We have so much within us. We all are searching to figure out life.  I know I listened to this over and over and I thought about how AMAZING each person is. I feel a little aimless right now, but I know there is a HUGE purpose in going through this journey. I'll keep listening to God as I face LIFE alone without Tyler here. 

McKay gets home tomorrow night. THIS is such a blessing. I know  her spirit and love for us will be GLORIOUS to have back. She is a piece that has been missing and how grateful I am to have her home.  

"Glorious"

There are times when
You might feel aimless
And can't see the places
Where you belong
But you will find that
There is a purpose
It's been there within you
All along
And when you're near it
You can almost hear it

Its like a symphony
Just keep listening
And pretty soon you'll start
To figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece
And there are melodies
In each one of us
Oohhh its glorious

And you will know how
To let it ring out
As you discover
Who you are
Others around you
Will start to wake up
To the sounds that are
In their hearts
It's so amazing
What we're all creating

And as you feel
The notes build
Higher
You will see

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this story during a difficult time in your life. SO many people you don't even know are sending thoughts your way.

Wilma said...

Try to be yourself, you can't replace the one you all are missing so deeply. You are Teresa and they love and need you for being Teresa... you know what I'm trying to say? Take care.

BethW said...

Having raised 4 boys on my own this one thing I know! I really thought I could fill both roles as a parent-I am a strong,tomboy kind of girl.I can force feed a pet snake, practice football with them, you name Mom could do it. And I was so WRONG! Because what mine missed out on was what you do so well-a mother's love. So find a strong man/men you trust to fill in some of the gaps by Ty's lost. They can never replace what Ty gave them-but they can help. And you love them,hug them,encourage them, cry with them-you be you. It is what they need most.
I cannot go back and undo how I raised my boys. The tears are flowing at what could have been-please don't make the same mistake.

Margaret said...

Maybe what your son is trying to say is that he doesn't need to to be Ty, he needs you to be mom and even though you think you might have to be stricter, don't you think that they might realize what Ty would have said to them about what they were doing and then give it more thought. Be yourself and then maybe say to them, what would Ty have said to you about the issue and let them think about it and come to a conclusion. And yes, it does take a village. I was not widowed, but divorced when my girls were 7 and 10. I am thankful every day for those in my Ward who stepped up and became a second family to my girls and were able to help them through some of the hard times since their own dad didn't show much interest in them. I know with His help you will all work through these hard times. None of you will ever forget but it will get easier over time. Try to let the boys live up to their own potential. Hugs and blessings to you and your family.

Melissa said...

So happy to hear that McKay will soon be home. You are trying to define your new role as a single parent, it will take time. It is good to hear that your boys are opening up to you and telling you what they need. Evidence of a strong relationship!

Philippa said...

Gorgeous Teresa honey, I know how hard that must have been to hear from Zach. You are all at such a tender stage of your grieving process. Your lovely children have lost their Dad and they may also be afraid of losing ''quintessential you'' because you are having to be both Mom and Dad now. I think talking to them a lot about how you are feeling re trying to be both and how hard it is will help too. I'm sure you are already doing that and I hope you don't mind my mentioning it. I KNOW that having McKay home will be just so wonderful. You need her ''light'' right now. Oh honey if I could wave a magic wand and help make this process easier for you all I would. Loads of love, extra strength and huge, huge hugs. xxxx

arneta said...

Teresa, I couldn't leave without sharing, my hear tends to resonate with those that have walked a similar journey. I became a widow at the age of 38 . We were shy by 3 months of being married for 20 years. We have 4 children, two daughters, 19 and 16, and two sons, 14 and 11 at that time. Our lives changed in an instant one evening when my 41 yr old husband had a coronary embolism ... No warning.....he died suddenly. Life as we knew it was over. All our hopes, all our dreams, everything we talked about, planned for....gone. Oh how my heart hurt....oh how I grieved.... What on earth would I do....I cried out in the hall of the hospital, "I can't do this, I can't do this...I can't do this" how on earth was I going to do this... Some of the statements you have said have come out of my own mouth, word for word. I remember my brother driving me to the funeral home to make arrangements, and people we out mowing the lawns, going to the store, working, and I just wanted to scream!!! How could they doing all those things... How could they be out mowing, shopping? Didn't they know that my husband died?! How can life just go on... To keep on moving...when mine....had just stopped. I really could not wrap my mind around it.
I'm glad your blogging, documenting...I found value in journaling...it is a way I pray, talk to The Father, sort out my thoughts, it helped me process... I grew tons during that time.....oh but it was hard, so hard. The hardest thing I have walked through, that is for sure. I believe there is healing in talking about Sab (short for Sabin) for me, and especially for my children. To know that they could openly talk about their dad was HUGE. We were pretty open, we talked about most everything. And there's the lonely nights, waiting til after the kids go to bed and then make bath water and them sit in the tub and sob.... My brother in law was instrumental in taking care of my paperwork...SS, life insurance, all of that. I agree about getting your papers in order...and have things in place. Life insurance....I know some people think it's a waste of money....but oh my word, it kept me from having to get a job and leaving my kids. Priceless. Oh Teresa, I could go on And on.....I can say that God is faithful and walked me through it...carried me...I could not have done it on my own.
I have so much I could say, but this is getting long...lol.... If ever you have any questions, I am a open book...I have shared at a few ladies retreats, and am always open to God using my story. My journals have become priceless as they hold my thoughts, my prayers, my questions, my heartache, my brokenness, and even joy...later......I learned so much. That was thirteen and a half years ago. I would not have thought I could walk in those shoes... My faith is what I became dependent on. My Father in heaven....
So..... If ever you need to talk, have questions, anything at all.... I would love to be able to help any way at all, if I can. I will be praying for you....and those are not idle words. My heart hurts with you. I pray for strength, rest, and wisdom for your mothering, (and fathering) 😉.

Love & Prayers
Arneta

Kathy Jo said...

Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I am SO glad that your conversation was open and honest. What a wonderful gift to be able to do that - and love one anther through it. You will find your place - your new step. I can't imagine the glorious reunion you will have this today! Heavenly Father is with you always.

Karen Goulet said...

Thank you for sharing that inspiration. I wish you well on your new journey, and if the past speaks,
I just know that you will have many glorious moments. I am very sorry for your loss.
Karen XXOO

ScrappinLita said...

It is wonderful that Zach loves you and trusts you enough to share his thoughts/heart. You are all in a vulnerable state, but being honest is so much better than holding things in, even if feelings are hurt. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with all of you. Thanks for sharing the song Glorious; I love David Archuleta.

Theresa Smith said...

I was a single mother for about 5 years. I went through a divorce & my ex-husband made a choice not to be involved in our son's life. All I can say is, I didn't try to be mom AND dad. I just focused on loving him fully and making sure he KNEW with 100% certainty that he is LOVED. An earlier commenter suggested that you encourage the other men in your sons' lives to be involved and to be a strong male presence for them. I totally agree. My son's uncle has always taken an active role in his life, and when I remarried my current husband was a great stepfather to him. Boys still need those male role models in their lives--no matter what you do, you just can't be that male presence and that's totally OK. Today, my son is 21 years old and I am super proud of the man he has become. And I still make sure he knows without a doubt that he is LOVED. I have faith your boys will be OK. Will they struggle as they navigate their grief? Absolutely. But they will know they are truly loved by you & the other important people in their lives. You have raised them with a strong faith and belief system that will help guide them down the right path. It is not going to be easy, but you all will figure out a way to be OK. McKay is coming home at a perfect time. I believe her presence will bring you comfort and help to fill some of the emptiness in your home. Thank you for sharing your journey & for being so open & honest. Your sweet spirit shines through.

kat-in-texas said...

That story brought tears to my eyes. You be you, T. The boys will naturally assume the leadership roles in your family with respect for your authority. They still know who's BOSS!! <3 :)

Debbie said...

Just know your NORMAL ... is not the same. That advice was given to me, when I lost my husband 4 yrs agao. You have to find a new normal. I think of you daily. I know they struggle .

Debbie

Malcolm said...

I live in united state, Two years ago i married a lady called saline, we had two children together, we were very happy to be husband and wife, so when i travel on business trip to Brazil, i spent 1 years in Brazil due to my kind of business, i and my wife talked on phone all the time, we chat on the Internet, i never knew that my wife had started cheating on me by going out with her old school friend called mark, i never knew something was going wrong till i came back from my trip, then i and My wife started having problems, she goes out and come back late at night, she changed in a strange way that i could not endure, i tried to do everything to please her but it got worst, so one day she left the house and never came back, i tried reaching her but no way i could reach her, i never knew she traveled with her new lover which was mark, i wanted her so much because of the children she left for me and because i loved her so much too, because of the heart break she has put me into, i went into search of a real magic spell caster I was scammed twice by a spell caster, but I never relented in my search because I want a happy life with my wife, so one morning i saw testimony about a spell caster Esango Priest, so i contacted him and to my greatest surprise this esangopriest@gmail.com made life manful for me again, my wife came back to me after 3 days of a love spell from this Esango Priest, i took her back and I am now settled with my wife by the magic power of Esango Priest .
Malcolm franks'

BettyMae said...

Bless you Teresa for your transparancy and your sweet faith. Both are an encouragement to me!

Anonymous said...

God bless you, Sweetheart....your heart is pure and your love is big...Prayers for you and your family

joy said...

Thanks for posting this. I will be praying for your family. It is now at the two year marker when my husband left to be safe in the arms of Jesus. It is a journey - and the hardest work you will ever do. You have your kids to love and they will be a tremendous blessing to you.

Nancy Nally said...

Sometimes, the greatest wisdom comes from the young ones. They are unencumbered by the complexities of how we see things and can cut to the heart of things easier, I think.

Be you...they need things to be as constant as possible, as little change as possible right now to feel secure. That includes you still being YOU for them. You used the good cop/bad cop dynamic when it was you and Ty because you could and it worked for the two of you...but you might be surprised how much they understand that they need to just listen to you now that Ty is not there, without you having to take on Ty's role. You're raising good kids...have faith in the job you've done.

He's telling you what he needs...all you need to do is listen and follow his lead. ((hugs))

Teresa said...

praying for you. I am a widow with a 16 yr old. And yes the dynamics changed. Plus your 2 sons are getting to the age where they are asserting themselves as young men. Be patient , loving but be firm. Trust me when I tell you , I have to remind mine that we are not equal, and I am not married to him. He is a good kid with a compassionate heart, and most of the time is very respectful. But like all of us, he has his days. And remember, they will have good days with this and bad days just like you do. You have wonderful older sons, and son-in-laws to fill the gap as strong male mentors in their lives. I pray for you daily. Stand strong - Joshua 1:9