It was 4 weeks ago that Tyler passed away now. It is now the ONE month mark. Our life has simply changed. I have been struggling in my new role as a "widow." It also means I am alone to parent two high school boys. It is now me who is running a household and taking care of things that I have never done. Emotions have run really intense and I think our overall sadness and missing Ty has been felt within our home. It's reality that we are all grieving in different ways and stages. I find it harder for each of us to understand each other right now. It's just OFF. I don't know how to explain it. The "STRONG" presence of having Tyler is gone.
Zach sat with me last night and we talked for a long time. He told me that I had changed. I listened as he told me, that he needs me to parent the way I used to parent. I was a little taken back. Truth is... it hurt my feelings. I had no idea what he meant. He told me that I was trying to be dad now and was missing "me". Okay... What did that mean? I thought and we discussed how I do feel like I need to be the stricter parent now, and I have to be more like dad. Zach opened up and asked me to just be me again. The problem is that Ty and I were a team. I am the easier going parent. Ty was respected and when he asked the kids to do something, it was taken more seriously. I guess you could say, that my parenting was very nurturing and talking. Now I feel like I HAVE to be both and my boys are resisting. I feel very alone in this new role.
WHERE IS THE MANUAL FOR THIS????? I am so not sure what I am doing here. I just keep trying our new "NEW" and it's just not the same. The grief is so present and I feel that I am certainly making mistakes. I wish the kids could know how hard this new path is for me. I never thought I would ever be a "single" parent with no help in raising them. LIFE can change in a instant. I am trying to pick up the pieces and "figure" it out on my own.
Each of us are truly GLORIOUS. We have so much within us. We all are searching to figure out life. I know I listened to this over and over and I thought about how AMAZING each person is. I feel a little aimless right now, but I know there is a HUGE purpose in going through this journey. I'll keep listening to God as I face LIFE alone without Tyler here.
McKay gets home tomorrow night. THIS is such a blessing. I know her spirit and love for us will be GLORIOUS to have back. She is a piece that has been missing and how grateful I am to have her home.