Thursday, December 4, 2014

LEAN ON ME... WHEN YOUR NOT STRONG

I have learned to ASK for help. That is a huge part of life. Often, we are afraid to simply ask for what we need. If you are a strong person, it can be even harder. My husband was this way. He was the "strong" one. He hated that when he got sick, he needed help. I remember vividly the day we came home from Huntsmen Cancer Institute. He had just had chemo that day. He was getting weaker and yet he wanted to be his normal healthy self. We drove into our drive way on a beautiful sunny day. We heard the sound of lawn mowers and edgers in our yard. It was our sweet neighbors in our yard doing our lawn for us. I looked at my husband and he immediately shrunk down in the passenger seat. He started to cry and didn't want to witness them doing this. My husband was not a man who would cry easily or wanted to show emotion. He struggled and I pulled my car inside the drive way and got him upstairs to bed. He put a pillow over his face and was crying. I had no idea if I should ask them to stop or what I was supposed to do. Then he called me over to the bed and said, "Please go tell them thank you. Tell them that I appreciate this." Tyler was so touched and yet felt so bad that he needed help. 




My husband showed his love to us by always serving and doing things for us. For years, I never put gasoline in my car. I later realized that all husbands didn't do this for their wife. Over the years, I knew this was his "love language." It was huge and he just loved to do things for me and kids. When he got sick, it was so hard for him.  I told him one day that I truly believe that when people are sick and they need help, it is a way for others to serve and  do what Christ would want and would do himself for us. I believe God works through other people. I am feeling this very profoundly now. 




I am so thankful I took this photo in the hospital. This is my brave

husband being a WARRIOR. He was having one of his stem cell transplant here. I took this photo silently on my cell phone (remember he hated photos taken). He did not want to remember this time. I knew that I needed to remember this time. I knew that this was part of our journey. I could not have been prouder or more in love with him. He struggled at times with losing his hair, having to sell his practice, and said "I'm worthless, why do you want me, I'm useless?" I grew to love him more and more if that was possible during the months leading up to his death.  I wanted desperately for him to get well and hated to see him suffer. I often thought if the roles were reversed I knew he would love me the same way. I knew deep inside that our time was limited. I cherished the moments and will forever. 

Truth be known this is one of my all time FAVORITE photos of Ty and I that was taken just a few months ago. I love that to me "love" was captured. I wanted to support him and let him know that he was never alone. He had me by his side. *NOTE: take more photos. PRINT them out. MAKE memories. IT MATTERS!!!!


That's me. I want to capture it all. This was a SILLY PHOTO that we took on the day that Matt and Kayla moved to CA. Ty was sad because he "knew" they would not be coming back to live in UT. I tried to keep it not "so sad." Today is Zellie's 3rd birthday. Crazy how fast they grow up!!!!!! Thankfully, FAMILIES ARE FOREVER and death does not end this. I love that Ty was silly in this photo. This is kind of rare to see him this way- especially in a photo.

 
Last night, our kind neighbor and friend Brother Mills came and visited our family. This wonderful man shared time  and visited with Tyler in the hospital two days before he passed away. Ty and our family love him and his family. He eased Ty's worries as he was preparing to leave this world. He felt prompted to come to the hospital and visit with him. He gave the boys and I each a beautiful priesthood blessing of comfort last night. I know that Ty is going to watch over me and our children. He is very close to us. Ty is very mindful of two teenage boys who will need a dad. He is mindful of me and my fears. I know that God has a plan and death is only a change. I believe that they are actually still very close to us and watch over us. I believe even more than they can physically do when they are alive. I read all my blog comments, instagram, Facebook and more. The encouragement is truly something I cling to. I love my grief bear... I look at it and remember... "be gentle, gentle" with yourself and others.

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33 comments:

scrapwordsmom said...

As always beautiful words Teresa. Your Ty was a special one...the love you share is so sweet and tender. I am grateful for my husband Dave. He is so much like your Ty. I rarely put gas in my car and I have NEVER ever paid a bill. He does so much for me. Reading your stories over the past few months has made me realize how much I take Dave for granted. I have found myself holding on to him a bit longer...doing more for him. I am learning so much from your words. Thank you so much for sharing all of your heart with us. I continue to pray for you all!!!! xoxo

Emma Sacchetti said...

Dear Teresa,
I don't know if others can but I can "feel" your strength. I sent you a Willow Angel via Amazon I hope it made it to you. I saw it while Tony and I were Christmas shopping and it reminded me of you and Ty. Tony and I continue to pray.

Dondi Murdock said...

I hope someday you realize just how strong you really are. You are as valiant as any of the women who have ever lived have been. I hope you keep a record of your blog and reread all of this each year. You will look back at this in 20 years and be so amazed at how you lived through this. Then in thirty years, you will be even more amazed. You really should write a book in a few years when your wounds are not quite so fresh. I'm really serious about this.

Tracey said...

I think your strength is an incredible testament to your husband. He would be incredibly proud. My thoughts are constantly with you and your family as you deal with a tragedy that is so close to mine and my family's. Losing someone is so incredibly hard and sometimes it does take the greatest of strength just to get out of bed each day. I am trying to trust that time will ease this. I am in awe of your faith and actually very jealous that you have it to bring you such comfort right now. I wish I had that.

Theresa Smith said...

I have always loved your blog, but since you shared that your husband was facing a serious illness, I have followed your journey very closely. Thank you. Thank you for opening up & sharing such a difficult experience. You have touched many others with your story. I admire your faith & your strength. Your family is beautiful. Forever and beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I think of you every day. I follow your blog since last year. I feel very touched by your postings and have to come over every day. I don't know why, seems like I know you a little...
I'm so sorry for your loss, I wasn't able to post anything since the day I read of Tyler's passing. I'm not able to write the right words, so just let me say that I think of you and your family.
Hugs from Germany
R.

disney@heart said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Teresa Wilkins said...

Teresa. You are a blessed woman to have so many people love and care for you. I can't imagine your pain. Everyday I pray for healing for the Collins family. You are a beautiful woman and you will SHINE again. I know it's hard to hear, but keep your chin up. You are amazing and God will heal your broken heart. Much love to you.

TW

Lori said...

Thinking of you so very often, Teresa. You are right. We NEED to ask for help when we need it. I am happy that you are allowing people to help you - even if it's to support you during this very difficult time. I can't even imagine what you and your family are going through. Take the help when offered; take the support when given; and take the time for YOU and your family to re-root and grow. Time and love heals. Biggest hugs to you girl......xoxooxox

Kathy Jo said...

Thinking of you and praying for you and all your family. That you all find peace and love and comfort with this "new normal". Ty will always be with you and he would be SO proud of you right now. You are amazing for sharing your heart. With hugs and prayers.

Cindy Lou said...

I just have to tell you that I have poured out my heart in several comments only to have them disappear when clicking on preview. I take it to mean that I need to change what I thought I wanted to tell you. So here it goes. I know how I felt when I lost a husband. I know that one of these days you will start to feel better. Ty will be there for you. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and praying / hoping for you and your children to get through this most difficult time as best you can. When / if you are ready, I highly recommend a widow's online group "Widowed Village" which is part of Soaring Spirits. You should be able to find them at "www.widowedvillage.org". They are a very loving community and very helpful. Renee

Suzanne O'Mullan said...

My words here can't help you a bit- not a smidge. However, I find it necessary to thank you - keep writing - you are helping so many,,,,, so many get through their own grief cycle. You are an inspiration to many. I thank you. This was so beautifully written and all of your posts should be in frames. They are eloquent. Thank you. xox

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you so much. Take your time. The grieving process is not in a straight line, it's more like a roller coaster. You are showing strength and dignity in a incredibly difficult time.
My best friend was murdered by her son in April. It was extremely traumatic.
I am trying to live without a sweet woman who was more than a sister to me and I feel so much for you. You have been so brave in your life and you will be able to get through this with your family, your faith and all the support pouring in. You can do this. I am sending you courage as I fumble my way along, one step at a time. Hugs

Anonymous said...

Me again. Keep writing, it is very therapeutic. My psychologist suggested it and it has helped me tremendously.

ScrappyK523 said...

I cannot begin to express my sorrow for you and your family, but I admire your strength and faith and am appreciating how much you're sharing with all of us. I cry every time I read one of your blog posts, but somehow after reading it I also smile! xo

Stephanie Ackerman said...

<3

Mary Gillmarten said...

God Bless Brother Mills! I hope there are many more like him in your life and your sons' lives as time goes on. I too have trouble asking for help and we all need those who step up and help us anyway!

Jean said...

I am sure there will be many men who will be stepping up for your sons!

I'm just a simple gal said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending calm and peaceful thoughts you and your family.

Hugs,
Nicole

Anonymous said...

Dear Teresa--You and your family have been in my prayers. I too believe that once our loved ones leave this earthly life that they are able to help us even more than when they were here with us. Whenever I'm confused, I talk with my Dad and ask him to stay with me as I work through things. I know he has helped me so many times. God bless you and guide you through this very, very difficult journey. -Stephanie

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