I think that for me, I am growing in ways I never thought imaginable. I find times where I just want to be alone to THINK. I overthink so much. I want to remember. I am afraid I will forget Ty. I will forget something important. I found myself in our closet last night for about three hours. I shed many tears as I looked and went through some of this stuff. I wanted to be close to him. I wanted to remember it all. I found that I would laugh, cry, smile, be sad and just go through the process again.
I have strongly felt Heavenly Father has lessons for me to learn in Ty's absence. I think because his is gone, I am meant to grow and have this opportunity to test my faith. I strongly believe in God's Plan of Salvation for his children. I really do know with my heart that death is not the end. Still it's sad to not have our loved ones with us. My house is different now. For weeks, I expected him to walk into the room, but now I no longer expect this. It has felt like long long long weeks since Tyler died. It seems like so much longer.
I don't and won't let myself feel sorry for myself. I know so many widows have faced this and raised their children without their husband. I could choose to use this as a excuse for a sad and dysfunctional life, but I won't allow this to happen. I have too much gratitude and thankfulness to not only survive but thrive. We all have trials and I know bad things do happen to us in life. It's how we handle what happens to us.
Yesterday, I was spending the day designing at home, going to a meeting, calling countless companies and dealing with "issues" on my own. I need to get "new" health insurance, "car" insurance, deal with countless accounts to close them and liquidate things. So many forms and papers to do. I felt OVERWHELMED. It's just things that weigh on me and I have had to PUSH away what Ty often told me, "you can't do this without me, you need me."
Oh how I need him, but I also have found that in the last SIX weeks I have grown so much. It is taking me time, because we were not prepared. Our denial has caused some setbacks and I am facing the issues now. I am facing the tasks ONE at a time. I am trying to just be gentle and patient. I can do this. The best thing was yesterday, and Gentry said to me... "Mom, I am so proud of you. YOU are doing this. I know this is hard, but you are taking care of things and YOU have proved to yourself that you can do ANYTHING. YOU always did and NOW you know it yourself." I was smiling and knew she was right, I can do this. It may take some time, but I will get it done...
McKay is talking in Sacrament tomorrow in our church ward at 9am for anyone who wants to hear her talk about her mission. It is the ward right by our home. I am so thankful for her and her sweetness. Last night she had a cookie making party here with her friends. I love to hear the laughter and talking. It reminds me of the goodness of life and of good times.
I am busy preparing for CHA in January in Anaheim too. It's going to be AMAZING. I am thankful to be speaking and to debut new products. I feel OUTRAGEOUSLY blessed. I hope to see many of you there.