Wednesday, December 3, 2014

THESE days....

I am definitely a moment to moment girl now. I have a hard time really comprehending that my husband is really gone. I think it could be the fact that with his stem cell transplants he was in the hospital twice for weeks. Then he had times of having to be in a few days or an additional week. So "my mind" will want to think that he's really not dead. My mind is thinking he will come home.

Gentry and I went to the DMV yesterday. We had to go twice yesterday again and then we finally got the car for Zach figured out. The new lady helping me was super sweet and helpful. No tears at the DMV. Gentry and I then went to go to the mortuary to pick up Ty's death certificate. This simple thing was HARD. I read it and just am still in disbelief. How can he really be gone? Then Gentry mentioned the same thing to me. She is having a hard time really thinking that dad is not really here...living... anymore. I guess others would say denial.

 I just think when you love someone so much you just want SO much to have them with you. I talk and talk to Tyler. My boys are having a much harder time than they "acknowledge" "show" or "express." Not having a father or father figure is hard for boys and especially at this critical time of their life. My one son talks about when Seth gets home from his mission- like he can make it better I think. I know that our world has changed in a mere two weeks. 

I called my girlfriend Monday night in a "breakdown" mode. I had been home cleaning like a crazy woman. Have I mentioned that I clean when I feel sad, things are out of control, stressed, etc.? Each time Ty would go into the hospital I could not sleep and literally just could not STOP and slow DOWN. I needed to keep busy. This is what my mind is doing right now. I cleaning our movie room. It took hours for one room. I cleaned walls, blinds, carpet, baseboards, etc. I just wanted it spotless and I could not stop. 

Finally, I was done and I finally sat down and felt like I have a MASSIVE hole in me. I know no one call see this, but it's GIGANTIC. I was just done. When I called her, she just let me talk. She had sadly lost her husband a little over a year ago. I rambled and reminisced. I asked her if I am going crazy. Is what I am feeling just crazy?  I asked her if I would ever feel that is MASSIVE hole will ever go away.

 She told me to keep a journal- and start it that day. She said to WRITE in it every day. WRITE all my feelings, my denial, my anger, my sadness, my joys, EVERYTHING. She said she wrote in her's to her husband when he passed away. I know that I blog. I just blog and know that for me this is my way to express my heart. This is my outlet. I am alone right now, in the dark... writing. 

I do have times of anger. I have never been angry at Heavenly Father. I get angry that I'm felt alone to do some things that I worry I can't do alone. I feel anger at the feelings of having him die so soon.  We had big plans to live a long life together. We talked of our growing family and being grandparents. We talked about future trips that will not happen. I look around and life goes on for everyone, but not for me... not in the same way. I just want my husband back and this simply can't happen. I just go on... because of my faith. 

I know that for me, when I feel these feelings, I just have to pray and ask for help that only God can give me. I was on the phone yesterday morning and I was having a "pity" party with myself. I told my friend I needed to go and I would call her back. I immediately when into another room and got down on my knees and asked God to help me. I poured out my soul and allowed the tears to flow. I can't do this on my own. I needed to be more thankful and grateful and not dwell in sadness. It's easy to allow grief to shut you down and I can't and I won't. To the outside world you would look at me, I imagine, and never know what pain and sadness I am feeling. 

Last night, my brother in law Shane (Leann's husband) came to look over documents for me. I am sharing this with you in a hope that you will get YOUR files, YOUR life, YOUR documents, YOUR titles, YOUR bank accounts, YOUR trust, YOUR will in order. In addition to dealing with the my loss, I am going through so much "stuff." My husband paid every single bill we have ever had. He kept papers that I don't know if they mean anything. Ty did all our taxes, finances, etc. so I have had to "figure" it out. 

On the Wednesday prior to him passing, he had a day of clarity and was telling me all kinds of information. I spent hours in the hospital and typed it out as he told me. He told me every bank (yes, he liked to use several banks), account, IRA, money markets, life insurance, and more. I typed as fast as I could. This is a blessing. He liked to keep his "papers" in plastic bags and I had to find them and go through them. I have had to go through piles of papers and organize them. I have been trying to make sense of our finances. 

 I have heard over and over from people I am talking to that the Will & Trust that we have is vital and keeps things from going into probate. Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky. I had hours to quickly know and learn what he wanted me to do. I learned information that has helped me. Many and most do not have this time. They are left to figure it out. Trust me, it's hard to remember what day it is for me right now. So if you do the bills and these type of things, make it easier on your family by having things in order.  Know the passwords to your accounts, email accounts, and safes. 

When we purchase anything- it went into our FAMILY TRUST. (our house, bank accounts, selling Ty's practice, vehicles, land, boats, etc.) The titles are then in our family trust so that when one of us passed away it would make things much easier on the surviving spouse.  I know this is not something anyone wants to address or think about. My husband was concerned and wanted to make sure I would have be okay upon his death and be able to take care of our children and family in the event that he died young. We never thought we would "need" to worry about this. Ty was the healthiest man. Until he got sick- he had NEVER missed a day of work. I adore him so much for the great provider and husband that he was. He believed in working hard for everything you got it life. 


If there is one thing I know it is that TIME is precious. Each day we have is truly a gift. We have to know and live with this knowledge. I never would have thought that when this photo was taken less than 2 years ago that Ty would miss "all" of the other graduations. Matt graduated from BYU and Devan graduated this same time. Ty had cancer at this time, but we had no idea. Ty won't be here to see my boys graduate from high school, go on missions, come home from missions, attend college, etc. You can't plan out your life. You have to LIVE your life. I do believe that he will be here in spirit with us. This gives me so much comfort.



Thankfully LOVE never ends. Death does not stop how I feel about him. YOU can never prepare yourself. I do realize he would not want me to give up. He would want me to keep going. I know that my boys are "watching me." I am their role model. I am really mindful of this right now. Zach begged me not to go to school yesterday. It broke my heart to hear his anguish. He was just so sad and did not want to face school, work, teachers, friends, etc. It took all of me to say... "you have to go to school. you have to go on living. dad would want this for you and us." He went and I prayed all day for him to feel safe and loved. 

I gain strengthen every single day by praying, and relying on my family and friends. I get so many messages from others who have lost their spouse or someone that they loved so much and they
give me HOPE. I am basically learning a "new way" to live. I am accepting God's will and realizing that I need to be grateful for what I have, and for what I had. I am truly in this mode. I am beyond thankful for Tyler and his love. I am grateful for a family that I love and adore. I am grateful that my business is continuing to grow in huge ways. I am so fortunate to be partnered with Joann Fabric and Crafts. *NEW TC products are debuting RIGHT NOW... STUDIO GOLD. Yes, right now- new TC product is debuting this week.

I am determined to honor my husband wishes by making him proud of me as his wife,  and the mother of this children. Did I tell you that he had me on google alert every day? Yes, such a fan. I was his biggest fan too. I tried really hard to make him feel loved and needed.

Now, the exciting news is that my beautiful daughter McKay is almost done with her mission to Seattle, WA. She gets home in 12 days... Monday December 15th. I want to thank each of you who wrote her notes and letters recently. She emailed yesterday and spoke about how nice this was for her. She loved the notes and they helped her. I have no doubt that Ty is with her right now as she is preparing to come home. I know that as our family gets her from the airport, as we all celebrate her homecoming, that my Tyler will be there with us. 






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24 comments:

Vanessa McKelvey-Smith said...

Teresa you are a strong woman with enormous faith........faith that will guide you through this trying time. You WILL make it through and be even stronger!!

Keep writing it out, talking to Ty, giving it up to God!!

My heart is full and I am thankful that I have discovered you and your strength! Keeping you in my thoughts with much love,

Kim

Emma Sacchetti said...

I read your blog every time you post and then pray for strength for you and your children. I'm so happy McKay will be home with you soon.

Allison Pauls said...

It is Ok to rage, to be sad, to be angry, to be confused, to be devastated, and to be thankful. You will always have the hole, the edges will heal a bit and not be so raw, but it will always be there to fill with memories.

Heidi said...

Accepting that someone is really gone takes time. I lost a cousin in July to Chron's. In and out of the hospital weekly. She had gone in for a routine treatment and was to be discharged that morning just like every other visit. She threw a clot. None of us expected this outcome, therefore nobody, not even her husband said goodbye. She was a Mom of
two darling boys. I still expect to get a message and I know her immediate family expects and wants her to walk through the door.

So Teresa just go day by day. It is going to probably be sometime before it becomes an acceptable reality that he is gone. HUGS

Anonymous said...

Oh Teresa, I cry with you everyday as I read your posts. I pray that you will feel the love and comfort you need as you go through the grieving process. Time does heal. Hugs.

NANCY said...

Dear Teresa, I too lost my husband very sadly to suicide....but I know how you are feeling with loosing Ty...please know that myself and so many others are praying for you and your family. I found comfort in reading Elizabeth Kubler Ross's books on death and dying...and grieve..perhaps if you have not heard of her you can take a look and read her books...they were very helpful. Also as a therapist I know the roller coaster you are on, is normal...the anger, the guilt...the sadness...all those emotions are very very normal...be kind to yourself...in time...some of your wounds will heal over....and more happy memories will be present...hugs to you...Nancy Collins Alberghini

teresa collins said...

Thank you I will look for this book. SO thank you. Teresa

teresa collins said...

Emma I got your beautiful gift. I love it so much. THANK YOU. It was truly so very very kind of you. THANK YOU..... Teresa

spdysteno said...

After losing my husband to cancer in 2006, there are two things I have learned. My children are now 17 (almost 18) and 14. The hardest times will be whenever something changes in their lives: graduations, birthdays, holidays, new school years. Always tell them how proud of them your husband was and that he is there with them watching over them. It has worked WONDERS in helping my children cope. The second thing is that I agree with you 100 percent on getting your finances and papers in order, and as a woman, being able to stand on your own two feet if something like this happens in your life is MUCH MORE important than you will ever want to believe or are forced to believe if it happens to you. As a woman, you are expected to be all things to everyone every day even when everyone is healthy, happy and intact. When the horrible happens, you are counted on even more. Take care of you, Teresa. You will look back on this a year from now, two years from now and be surprised at how far you have come. They are gone from this Earth but NEVER forgotten. In peace and love...

Stephanie Ackerman said...

Just want you to know that I am constantly lifting you and the kids up in prayers everyday. <3

Suzanne O'Mullan said...

I appreciate all of your words. I do every night have a brick on my chest - what will I do with my son - what do I do in the event of my death - how do I help him (how can it be managed for him) he has severe autism and profound mental retardation and needs 24/7 at arms length care. I am his caregiver. I do it all . I have no future plans - nothing - no will - no nothing. As painful as this is to you - you are helping my son - I hang on your every word - your pain is helping him - I don't even know how to word that correctly - it is daily and for 20 years now that I am still in acceptance mode - I know he is still here and breathing - but hs suffers every minute of every day - I can't stand to watch him - It is killing me (stress I believe has resulted in my cancer) - however - I have nothing ready - not one blessed thing..... for what this is worth - a small humble thank you. I wish I could take your pain away - enough people suffer in this world - I so wish I could - I feel your words as you have written them .... I pray - a lot!

Linda Coleman said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. May God continue to bless you all and give you the strength you need.

Judy said...

It has been such a privilege to be part of your grieving- may you be assured that you are in the prayers of many. I am so thankful to have a God who is with us each step of the way to comfort us when we feel so helpless. I relate to your situation so well -I can look back on my past 18 months without my husband and realize I have come a long way! Family, friends and the Lord Jesus -I couldn't have got this far without them. God's richest blessing on you as you face each day.

Julie Fowler said...

((hugz))

Melissa said...

Grief is hard, probably the hardest thing ever but I want you to know that your doing everything just right! I love that your blogging and I hope it is helping you. There are many of us out here reading your words and praying for you. We are cheering your successes (DMV mastered and a sparkling clean movie room). You go girl! You got this- I have no doubt.

Claire said...

Thank you for sharing this with us no matter how hard it has bee. The money stuf--men seem to do that all the time. But I saw what my mother went thru...so I (well, we, but because of me) and we have separate accounts, joint accounts, trust accounts-- and I feel a little better for it. Your experience will help someone out here in the blog world...and your own family. Sending you hugs and more prayers.

Sandra cobe said...

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Anonymous said...

You're in my heart and prayers lovely one.... many hugs

Michelle Clark said...

My heart breaks for you. I think you are completely normal in your grief. You're accepting your grief and working through it. Very understandable to still break down. It's very raw right now, and it takes time. Not that you ever get over losing someone, but over time it gets bearable. I lost my dad suddenly two years ago, and I did not think I could live without him. It's easier now. I still cry sometimes (I am crying right now typing this because I still miss him so much and I wish I could talk to him one more time). You did the right thing, taking your burden to the Lord. I think you should write a book based on your blog posts. I am very drawn to your story, and I think others would too.

~Tammy~ said...

My heart breaks as I read your heartache. You want to find comfort in the fact that he is no longer suffering in his earthly body, but yet you want what you had prior to this awful turn of events that changed your lives forever. Bless you for being able to have the strength to share your story and your feelings. You are helping others.

You are so right about having things in order. It's something I never want to think about for fear of reality. It's denial. If you deny it could happen then it won't. Being a military spouse with a husband that deploys for a year ot more at times it's something he ask that I talk about, but I can't. Silly as that is I can't because I don't want to face the possible why even though I know it can be a reality, even thought I have friends who have lost their husbands...I want to deny it can happen to our family. I want to will it away and not think about it. Thank you for sharing...it really is important. It must have been so hard for you to have to type and type away at his notes to you. It must have been so hard to live in what was happening and what was to come. My heart aches for you, but how wonderful to know you had such a beautiful life together. Every ounce of your grief and feelings are normal. Denial is normal. Anger is normal. May God continue to wrap his arms and give you strength not only for you, but your family. Many prayers will continue!

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Cindy john said...

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