I am definitely a moment to moment girl now. I have a hard time really comprehending that my husband is really gone. I think it could be the fact that with his stem cell transplants he was in the hospital twice for weeks. Then he had times of having to be in a few days or an additional week. So "my mind" will want to think that he's really not dead. My mind is thinking he will come home.
Gentry and I went to the DMV yesterday. We had to go twice yesterday again and then we finally got the car for Zach figured out. The new lady helping me was super sweet and helpful. No tears at the DMV. Gentry and I then went to go to the mortuary to pick up Ty's death certificate. This simple thing was HARD. I read it and just am still in disbelief. How can he really be gone? Then Gentry mentioned the same thing to me. She is having a hard time really thinking that dad is not really here...living... anymore. I guess others would say denial.
I just think when you love someone so much you just want SO much to have them with you. I talk and talk to Tyler. My boys are having a much harder time than they "acknowledge" "show" or "express." Not having a father or father figure is hard for boys and especially at this critical time of their life. My one son talks about when Seth gets home from his mission- like he can make it better I think. I know that our world has changed in a mere two weeks.
I called my girlfriend Monday night in a "breakdown" mode. I had been home cleaning like a crazy woman. Have I mentioned that I clean when I feel sad, things are out of control, stressed, etc.? Each time Ty would go into the hospital I could not sleep and literally just could not STOP and slow DOWN. I needed to keep busy. This is what my mind is doing right now. I cleaning our movie room. It took hours for one room. I cleaned walls, blinds, carpet, baseboards, etc. I just wanted it spotless and I could not stop.
Finally, I was done and I finally sat down and felt like I have a MASSIVE hole in me. I know no one call see this, but it's GIGANTIC. I was just done. When I called her, she just let me talk. She had sadly lost her husband a little over a year ago. I rambled and reminisced. I asked her if I am going crazy. Is what I am feeling just crazy? I asked her if I would ever feel that is MASSIVE hole will ever go away.
She told me to keep a journal- and start it that day. She said to WRITE in it every day. WRITE all my feelings, my denial, my anger, my sadness, my joys, EVERYTHING. She said she wrote in her's to her husband when he passed away. I know that I blog. I just blog and know that for me this is my way to express my heart. This is my outlet. I am alone right now, in the dark... writing.
I do have times of anger. I have never been angry at Heavenly Father. I get angry that I'm felt alone to do some things that I worry I can't do alone. I feel anger at the feelings of having him die so soon. We had big plans to live a long life together. We talked of our growing family and being grandparents. We talked about future trips that will not happen. I look around and life goes on for everyone, but not for me... not in the same way. I just want my husband back and this simply can't happen. I just go on... because of my faith.
I know that for me, when I feel these feelings, I just have to pray and ask for help that only God can give me. I was on the phone yesterday morning and I was having a "pity" party with myself. I told my friend I needed to go and I would call her back. I immediately when into another room and got down on my knees and asked God to help me. I poured out my soul and allowed the tears to flow. I can't do this on my own. I needed to be more thankful and grateful and not dwell in sadness. It's easy to allow grief to shut you down and I can't and I won't. To the outside world you would look at me, I imagine, and never know what pain and sadness I am feeling.
Last night, my brother in law Shane (Leann's husband) came to look over documents for me. I am sharing this with you in a hope that you will get YOUR files, YOUR life, YOUR documents, YOUR titles, YOUR bank accounts, YOUR trust, YOUR will in order. In addition to dealing with the my loss, I am going through so much "stuff." My husband paid every single bill we have ever had. He kept papers that I don't know if they mean anything. Ty did all our taxes, finances, etc. so I have had to "figure" it out.
On the Wednesday prior to him passing, he had a day of clarity and was telling me all kinds of information. I spent hours in the hospital and typed it out as he told me. He told me every bank (yes, he liked to use several banks), account, IRA, money markets, life insurance, and more. I typed as fast as I could. This is a blessing. He liked to keep his "papers" in plastic bags and I had to find them and go through them. I have had to go through piles of papers and organize them. I have been trying to make sense of our finances.
I have heard over and over from people I am talking to that the Will & Trust that we have is vital and keeps things from going into probate. Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky. I had hours to quickly know and learn what he wanted me to do. I learned information that has helped me. Many and most do not have this time. They are left to figure it out. Trust me, it's hard to remember what day it is for me right now. So if you do the bills and these type of things, make it easier on your family by having things in order. Know the passwords to your accounts, email accounts, and safes.
When we purchase anything- it went into our FAMILY TRUST. (our house, bank accounts, selling Ty's practice, vehicles, land, boats, etc.) The titles are then in our family trust so that when one of us passed away it would make things much easier on the surviving spouse. I know this is not something anyone wants to address or think about. My husband was concerned and wanted to make sure I would have be okay upon his death and be able to take care of our children and family in the event that he died young. We never thought we would "need" to worry about this. Ty was the healthiest man. Until he got sick- he had NEVER missed a day of work. I adore him so much for the great provider and husband that he was. He believed in working hard for everything you got it life.