I could NOT sleep tonight. I kept feeling for some reason that I had to blog. I am listening to the quiet of the house right now. I am reflecting on the beauty... the simple beauty of life.
I went to church yesterday and I had been praying so much for my boys to "know" and feel that Ty was still close and watching out for them especially. I had woke up early and begged God to give my boys the gift of KNOWING and feeling their dad. I need the to know that Tyler is still very much so with them, just not in ways that they may be able to visually see. I was astonished as we sat down and the musical number in sacrament was the same song that we chose and played at the Tyler's funeral. I silently wept. I could not stop the tears from flowing. Brian held my hand. My boys sat in sacrament meeting and I knew they were touched. I had prayed that they would feel Tyler and I KNEW that my prayers were answered.
I don't talk about it all the time on my blog because honestly, unless you have been widowed, it's almost hard to express and understand. It's never going to be the same for my children. They lost their dad. Brian is so amazing but he is not and has not tried to be their dad. He has been such a positive wonderful mentor and role model for them, but he is so aware of their tender needs. Seth is still on his mission and I know the reality will be hard when he get's home in March. I miss Matt and his family. This new journey is STILL a daily prayerful journey for all of us. Without going into detail, it's not been easy. However, I do see a closeness that could possibly only come from the pain that we have went through together.
I watch my boys each day and I am inspired by them. Saturday night, was one of those very special moments as a mother. I often wonder... "Do my kids get it????" I talk and talk and you never know what really gets through to them. Zach called me and it was early about 8pm and asked if we were home. I said "Yes, why? Aren't you at the Tim McGraw concert with Kenadee?" Zach said that he had left the concert early and had dropped off his girlfriend and was on the way home.
I was shocked and asked him if he was joking. I mean he paid over $80.00 to go see Tim McGraw (one of his favorites), that he had worked and earned the money to go see. Zach shared that the environment at the concert was horrible, people were smoking weed all around him and that couples were all over each other in front on them and that he felt uncomfortable and left. He said Tim had not even went on stage yet, but knew it was not a great place to be and felt he should leave. Okay, I was in complete admiration for him and his desire to not be around certain things and is willing to leave.
*when they are little it's harder physically right but as they get older, oh it's definitely more emotional. (zach, taylor, mckay, gentry, tyler)
Zach came home and we watched the BYU football game and by that time Gentry, Devan, Cooper, Ty and some friends of Gentry had come to watch with us. THIS is just what I needed to know... it's WORTH it!!!!
It's worth the endless talks and prayers, the sleepiness nights, the worrying, the occasional fights, the concerns...showing tough love as needed with children... it's WORTH it when they do something that makes you realize that "NOTHING" you do to help your children is wasted. They are listening even when we don't realize it. Try not to get discouraged when it seems otherwise. Trust me, tonight at family home evening, I seriously don't think they listened to me at all. ha!!!!!
I wanted to share this photo of Capri and Beckett. I know Taylor and Travis are having lots of sleepiness nights. Taylor is such a trooper. I know that being a good parent is not easy. I have had many failures and many moments I would love a "redo." Just I keep reminding myself to LOVE LOVE LOVE each of them. It's simple really. No matter what... LOVE is what makes a difference in life.
I am surround by sweet babies now. I am so thankful that God gave me to much RIGHT now... when I needed it most. I am preparing for my yearly big VEGAS event. Oh it's so much and I had nightmares praying for everyone to be happy and inspired from the TC event. This entire weekend my sweet boys, Gentry and Brian worked nonstop to help me get things in order. That is what it's about... FAMILY. I always loved and appreciated my family. I know that they are what keeps me going, happy and inspired to create. I realize more and more all my "imperfect moments"are the PERFECT moments. Ahhhh...it's WORTH it!!!!!