Thursday, April 21, 2016


DAY 2 of getting my blog back on track. YES, I am feeling so GREAT about this decision. One of the decisions was that I need to not be FEARFUL in what I share. No matter what I may or may not say...some people will simply judge you. There is no way in getting around it. RIGHT?

So REALITY. I am so proud of my son Zach. His high school baseball team is undefeated. They play each school three times in their division. Yesterday, Murray High School played the second of three games to a great team. I was watching Zach and so very proud of the player that he is. I wish you knew this young man. He is so hard working. He LOVES the game and it shows. He is featured in the NEWSPAPER article today.

Zach is a senior this year. He has been the starter catcher for MHS since he was a freshman. You should see him throw and he is blessed to be able to really connect with the ball. Yesterday during the last inning they pulled him to PITCH and end the game. Oh my... yes, he can pitch too but prefers catching. THEY won and the article featured the team and Zach's actions to help them pull out a win. 

If you follow me on instagram- I share videos of him playing (teresacollinswebber) on my personal page.  He is batting in the mid 700's which is just Zach. If you know baseball then you know that he is doing well. I know it is because he LOVES it. He is the team leader and is KIND to his teammates. Recently, Zach has decided to go for a two year mission and not play baseball in college until he gets home. This is a RISKY move but we have FAITH that when he returns he can will play D1 for a college. He has his heart on playing for Brigham Young University since it was his goal as a child. Zach now wants to play in college again. He plans to major in business and get a MBA. I have always told my kids that NO ONE can stop you in life from achieving great goals. The only thing that STOPS us is OURSELF. We have to be be willing to PUT in the HARD WORK. No one else can do it for us. 

 PERSONALLY... watching Zach play baseball surrounds me with memories of HIS BIGGEST FAN. On the night Tyler died, Zach and I left the hospital in tears and with a sadness that I can't even describe. It was just us. Everyone else was driving back to our home. Zach got into the passengers side. He looked at me with tears stream ing down his face. He said, "Mom, I just lost my biggest FAN." I tried to tell him that I was his biggest fan too and he stopped me and said, "NO, it was DAD." They had this connection. It was beautiful. He was HARD on Zach. He knew what to say to him. He would get him so mad that he would want to "shut his dad up." He also listened to his dad. Tyler was a great baseball player too. Due to an injury in high school he could not play college ball. So Zach and Tyler... it was the closest bond. At times I felt bad for the other boys because Tyler did focus his time from work on baseball with Zach. Looking back, this is what made Ty smile the most. If you see photos of Tyler it was him watching or coaching Zach. Tyler spent ALL of his free time and vacation with Zach doing baseball. 

When Tyler died, Zach was not sure if he wanted to play anymore. It was so hard to watch. He told me, I don't want to play in college now. I will play in high school for his team and he LOVES his coaches. (I adore his baseball coaches- they are true mentors to Zach!!!) He decided to play for THEM last year.

Yesterday, before the game I went to Tyler's grave. He is buried close and I know each of go visit him and he wanted this. I sat and talked to him. I often have struggled as a "single" parent. I did not sign up for this one... or to be a WIDOW in my 40's. 

I never thought in a million years that the TOUGHEST man that I knew would get a nasty horrible aggressive cancer and die just 18 months later.

Life is certainly filled with HARD things and HARD times. I felt prompted to go to the grave. Watching Zach go to baseball games and not have his DAD there. HEARTBREAKING...
Zach would often just glance over at his dad and then to me. He did it in such a sly way.
He wanted to know we were there.
We were watching.
I would smile knowing he liked us there.
NOW I see him look just at me.
His grandma Collins came yesterday. I saw him look at her often. It made my heart happy.
Ty and Tallya and Brian came yesterday too.
I know we can't ever replace Tyler's presence.

I see a change in him. He is smiling and happy as he plays. I know he often will say... "this one is for you dad." He has a light BACK into his spirit.
I know this is how it works. YOU never get over losing someone you love. EVER. Death does not stop LOVE. I find that mourning is so different for everyone. I consider myself very much still mourning and dealing with acceptance.

Yes, I am remarried and very happy. That does not stop me from mourning and dealing with Ty's death. I have learned to NEVER ever judge anyone in trusting their own heart and timeline. 

As I sat at his grave yesterday afternoon, it was a beautiful day here in the 70's. I brought these beautiful flowers for him. On the far side of the cemetery, I heard bagpipes playing and someone was having a burial service. I talked to Tyler and told him about Zach and the kids. I told him that I am trying very hard to raise them and how often I have felt I am failing MISERABLY.

Instantly, I felt PEACE, HAPPINESS and the strongest feeling of HIM saying how proud he is of me. This is the first time that I have felt this. I will keep going... I will remember this feeling. 
I am thankful for this tender mercy.

TOMORROW post- baby Ty (his nickname) Tyler bought himself a car!!!

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scrapwordsmom said...

Beautiful post. so happy you are back telling your stories! You have always uplifted me!!!

Carol H. said...

You are awesome! Thank you for sharing!

Misa K. said...

Awesome, awesome, awesome...thanks for this!

Kelly Jean said...

Teresa, I am so so happy to see you sharing your stories again. You are so inspiring and yes life is hard, and people will judge, but no one knows how you feel personally going through something. It is wonderful to hear you open up and be brave to talk about Ty to inspire others. Please keep it coming! PS: Yah Zach for keeping with his passion!

teresa collins said...

Thank you everyone. I have felt it was a HUGE part of me that has been missing. I appreciate your comments. THANK YOU!


gela said...

Zack may find a way to teach Brazilians about baseball. Thanks for being an inspiration.

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