Wednesday, November 2, 2016

YOU SHOULD BE HERE... dedicated to Tyler Lewis Collins

I have days where I just don't even know how to explain the deep ache and pain that happens when life moments happen that TYLER should be here. I will apologize right now that I have cried many tears as I attempt to do this blog post.  

Tyler and I had a crazy BEAUTIFUL blended family, often it was just Ty and I and "The Boys." That is what we called Zach and Tyler.  "The Boys" were "our" boys. Oh how he loved his "buddies" as he called them. 

This song came on the radio and I could not stop crying.
                               YOU SHOULD BE HERE

I know that as we are days away from the two year anniversary since Tyler died, my heart is so tender. I just can't articulate the ache in my heart as I watch our boys grow up without a dad at such a young age. This has been so hard. I know my blog post on Saturday explained my feelings and I so appreciated reading your comments and understanding. So many of you KNOW exactly what I expressed. You have lived it.  

I saw this man, my husband fight like the bravest person.  I honestly thought he would survive. I did not accept the "terminal" diagnosis. Tyler was so in love with our family, our children and "THE BOYS." He spent so much time with Zach and Tyler especially.  
At one point, he told me "he couldn't die because
I could not be alone. I could not do it without him."
He said, "the boys" need me so I have to live at least five more years." 

This is my baby. He was "our" baby. We have always called him baby Ty. He is named after his father Tyler L Collins.
He is 17 years old and a Senior at Murray High School.
He is incredibly bright and so much his dad.
He did get my blue eyes and blond hair. ha!

I will never forget being 7 months pregnant and having a stroke while I was carrying this handsome boy. I remember Tyler physically carrying me into the ER that Friday night. He saved my life and our unborn son. He and I always babied our youngest because of this. The entire family felt baby Ty got away with everything. Maybe it was true. I never knew when I named him that day in the hospital that he would be carrying on his father's name at such a young age.

Baby Ty is wise beyond his years. He is so stubborn just like his dad and I see Tyler so much in our son.
He seriously can fix and figure out how to do things that most grown adults/men can not do. Right now, he is in the welding program through his high school. He is talented enough that he is working part time as a welder after school.
He has a high GPA and is applying to colleges right now.

Tonight, he showed me this photo and it "triggered" this post. 
Yes, crazy ugly cry going on.
Tyler should be here. I wish he didn't have to miss this and that my son did not have to deal with his teenage years without a father's guidance. 


I am so not ready for Tyler to be grown up. 

He is FOREVER my baby and I'm trying hard to be the best MOM and role model to him. I can't replace his FATHER. So the "trigger" was HARD tonight. I remembered the conversation Ty and I the last day of his life. I know Tyler wanted so much to see Ty graduate and go off to college. I made him a promise. 
I will never forget our tender conversation.
I promised him that I would raise our sons to KNOW and remember DAILY his love for them.
I promised they would KNOW how hard he FOUGHT to stay here with them.. with me.. with our family. 
He visited with the children and expressed his feeling and love and gave them advice the day before he died. Seth and McKay were serving missions for our church. I have since shared tender love messages with each of the children. I know that the memories are GOLD. The stories and feelings are FOREVER. They are REAL. I know that death is just a goodbye for NOW. 

Ty promised to watch over us. He was going to kick them in the butt if they messed up. He told them if they ever felt a pinch on their bum... it was him. I remind my kids of this. I heard a song today on the radio... it was by Cole Swindell. 

Tears overwhelmed me as I heard the lyric- 
You should be here. 
I want my handsome son to know YOU mean everything to me and your dad. We are proud of you. 

As Brian came in the bedroom, I was typing this post and crying the BIG "ugly" cry. I told him what I was feeling. I love that he simply hugged me and understood. Oh how our situation is so different. I am thankful that he understands my heart. As he left me alone to just "feel" I could not help but feel thankfulness come into my soul. I was reminded of the miracle of finding someone like Brian. I find so much STRENGTH on my weakest moments from him and his love for me. 

This was our wedding song and it brings peace to my soul.      

As I embrace each day I remember that I can smile and be thankful for ALL that I have had, the beautiful memories, the hard times and the times that I have stumbled and felt broken. I can go on knowing that I can endure hard things with LOVE and thankfulness. I will just be GRATEFUL. The "triggers" show that I am real and that I will never forget or not appreciate EVERY single person in my life. Thank you Tyler Collins for loving me and our family so much. I am reminded every day of this in a thousand ways. 

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At November 2, 2016 at 10:10 PM , Blogger Queen Mary said...

WOW! Just WOW! "You Should Be Here!" So powerful! Hugs!

At November 2, 2016 at 10:29 PM , Blogger gela said...

Powerful song. Powerful words. As an ICU nurse I see death almost every day. It is never easy. It is never timely. It is always too soon. I am so happy you have someone to share not only your joys but your sorrows. God Bless

At November 2, 2016 at 11:06 PM , Blogger Donna said...

Your strength and faith are so strong and will continue to keep your family strong and full of love. Ty is such a handsome young man and I know you are so proud of the man he is becoming. You are in my prayers as your family remembers the passing of Tyler.
Love "You Should Be Here" I know why toy cried so......

At November 3, 2016 at 3:56 AM , Blogger Michelle S Clarke said...

Feeling it Teresa - big hugs xxxx

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