I have been thinking about how behind I am at most everything in my life. I really am GREAT. I just have so many balls going I can't seem to catch up these days. I work on deadlines all the time, but I have to usually juggle 3 to 4 of those at a time now. I need more TIME but that is not possible. The hard part of owning your own company is that it really does come down to YOU. I have to do so many things that no one can help me with. I hate to tell anyone NO.
Honestly, mostly I am DAY to DAY. I focus on WHAT and WHO needs my attention that day. Big things have continued to happen for me professionally. I turn down so many opportunities if it is not a good fit or it's just not something I would personally want and use. I just did a FACEBOOK LIVE because the girl working at a store that carried my pigment inks told me she did not know the difference in inks. I am impulsive and get side tracked. Don't we all?
Anyway, I thought I would give you all a little update. I finished my 4th week on my program las Tuesday. I feel like 1,000 times better. I lost 23.8 lbs at this point. I do weigh in again tomorrow. I invested in me and purchased a treadmill that came last week. I only do it 20 minutes a day for now. I run/walk and it really kicks my butt. They like me to do it 3 times a week and 3 times a week on core training. Honestly, I'm not hungry and I drink 100+ ounces of water a day. Right now, I am not eating fruit (by choice) and low carbs. It's lean protein and veggies for me. So this is how it worked: Week 1- lost 14 lbs, Week 2- 1.8 lbs Week 3-5 lbs Week 4- 4 lbs. I am watching to make sure my blood pressure goes down and loving to see my BMI go down. I think I miss most the "social aspect" of food.
Personally, I'm sad that on Feb.14th- TOMORROW, Missy (Zach's girlfriend) is going to China for 4 months. She will get back at the end of June. Okay, I'm happy for her too. She comes over all the time and I consider her my daughter. She is going to go teach English as a service project. We had a going away LOVE party at our house. I HATE goodbyes. I love you MISSY!
McKay is planning her fun marriage now to Mauro and juggling a full time college schedule and full time work. They bought a condo to live in and I'm very proud of them. They are doing two receptions. One will be one here in Utah and the other in Mexico. I will be going to Mexico to celebrate with her.
My daughter Gentry and Devan are building a house and will move in 6 weeks from now. It's going to be beautiful. Gentry recently posted some "personally" things about her struggle to have more children. I am super proud of her for sharing. This girl is the most amazing mother to Cooper. Oh my... this little boy says please, thank you and bows his head to pray (folds his arms).
Brian's new law firm is going so well. I am so proud of him. He works long hours and he honestly is so smart. He has officially been on his own for the past month.
LIFE is really good to us. Between our kids and work we have a lot going on. I could not ask for me. I've realized that there is always sad moments mixed in our crazy happy moments. There will always be ongoing grief in my life and heart. I just think often people look at other people's life and only see the good or the "perfect" that they think it is. There is only LIFE experiences and the heart knows of our pain and struggles. This past weekend as I enjoyed ALL the kids being super loud and fun at the house... I sat back and thought of my mother. I miss her. I miss having that ONE person who loved me like only a mother can. Then I had a little "incident" with my youngest son. I kept doing the same thing I do over and over... "you dad would want this..." I don't have that manual. I don't have Ty here to help me parent our son. I see and feel differently. I miss how strong Ty was and helped me be a stronger mother in many ways. I can be a softie as a parent and Ty made up for my weaknesses. Anyway, this is life.
We all have hard times. My daughter Taylor shared something with us this weekend and she gave me so much to think about. She is a darling mother to Capri and Beckett. She was so close to Tyler at the end of his life. It took years for them to bond. They had big struggles at times. Taylor hated that he was a disciplinarian and he MADE her eat fish and do things she refused to do. It was a battle of wills. As she matured and grew they came really close after high school. She worked for Ty as his office manager. I felt I grew to know Tyler through Taylor at times. She would often tell me of how Tyler talked about me to his patients. He loved to share about me and what I was doing. He was so proud of me and loved my passion and success in the design world. I never knew he did this but Taylor would over hear talking to patients. She was there EVERY day for the year before he was diagnosed. I had NO IDEA he was sick but I knew something was changing. He did not seem himself and he was more difficult and often so hard on us as family. I think it was he already not feeling well. Anyway, Taylor would remind me often how much he loved me and the kids. In my moments of not understanding, I turned to Taylor. This weekend, Taylor mentioned that she had just went to dad's grave and she got out of her car and went to his grave. She told Tyler basically "she is SO mad at him for leaving her, and that she still loved him" and then went back to her car and left. My sweet girl still is grieving in a beautiful authentic way. She has no idea how sad this made me and at the same time it touched my heart.
After Tyler passed away, I knew some people would not understand how I would choose to remarry only 8 months later. To be honest, I would NEVER have imagined it myself. I honestly can say I would maybe have questioned someone else making the same decision. We are only human. I am just like you. I realized we have such unique life stories and we never know what someone else has been through if we haven't been through it. I don't question or judge in the same way. I am so much more open to seeing and feeling how fragile life is and people are just doing at times what they feel in their heart is best. Part of my journey is knowing my story was being "read, judged and heard" around the world. My daughter follows a blog from a young beautiful blogger who lost her dear husband to cancer. recently. She was in her early twenty's and was widowed with 5 small children. She messaged me and told me about her and that her husband had died. I felt so much sorrow for her. I visited her instagram and blog for the first time. I cried with her. Then a couple of months later she married again. This young woman has a big following and she got a lot of support and a lot of criticism. All I could think about was her grief and KNOWING she was still grieving and she was just doing "her best" in a very hard situation. I just wanted to share that I feel that NO one will pay the price for our bad decisions like we will personally. I am NOT saying this was a bad decision for her. It's her life and her story. So I was and am only wanting the best for her, her children and her new marriage. WOW... I did not mean to share ANY of this today. CRAZY...
So I went to church yesterday and I was feeling so sick. I had woke up in the middle of the night with a crazy sore throat and could not sleep. I came home after the first meeting and went to bed. Maybe that is why I'm so emotional today. I'm still in bed and watching Hallmark movies and sleeping and trying to work from bed....