TODAY I am just getting REAL. So last week, I just was going through the motions of my health weightless journey. I adhered 100% to my eating program. I never cheat. I just can't mentally handle not doing something EXACTLY as I am supposed to. It's just me. I was working out and got sick for the last few days. Yep, so derailed on this one. I couldn't work out. I think okay... it's okay to miss working out. You are working from bed, napping and I even ventured to church for sacrament meeting. I met some BIG deadlines and hosted the BIG family party for Missy and our LOVE celebration.
So when I weighed in yesterday I was only... get this ONLY down 2 lbs. I felt DEFEATED... DEFEAT... oh my I did not meet the goal of 3 to 5 lbs they want from me. I was literally so disappointed. CRAZY right?
I still weigh MORE than I have ever weighed my entire life and I've lost 25.8 lbs in 5 weeks. I was talking trash to myself on the way to the appointment. Teresa- How did you let yourself gain so much weight so fast? You weigh more than you ever did 9 months full term pregnant. You have got to stop eating so much.
I kid you not... this was my "self talk" even before weigh in. I could tell they expected MORE from me. How could I let them down? I felt the DEFEAT as I weighed in. ONLY TWO lbs... then I came home and Brian immediately could tell I was "defeated." BTW... this is just not me. I don't do this. WHAT is wrong with this picture? Well, it was my stupid and negative attitude. Guess what? I had to immediately give myself a lecture. It's life and I can and will do this. I will have slower weeks, I will have sickness, monthly visits and setbacks even when I'm doing everything I am supposed to do.
WHY ARE WE OFTEN SO HARD ON OURSELVES????? Do you do this? Are you guilty as I am?
So I thought about it and decided to SHARE my WHY. I am going to be so real and honest and I hope you don't get scared. If you read my book LIVE LIFE IN ALL CAPS, I talked about my childhood and the abuse I endured mentally and sexually as a child. I fought so hard to LOVE myself. I still do. I have always used FOOD as my TOOL for self love, comfort, happiness, celebration, punishment etc.
I am the girl who doesn't want to eat a bowl of Breyer's Vanilla Bean ice cream... oh no, I can eat the entire carton. I am the girl who can't buy ice cream for the house, or I will eat it. I learned years ago, I'll pay 4x the amount to go buy it when I want it instead of having it in the refrigerator. When Ty was sick and in bed, I would run to the store and buy ice cream and eat the entire thing and cry. When I found out his second transplant did not work and it was looking hopeless... I can't believe I'm sharing this but I went to McDonalds at 10 pm at night and ordered a Double Cheeseburger, Fries, XL Diet Coke, Strawberry Sundae with Nuts and ate it all in my car. I threw away the evidence in the dumpster by our house.Yes, I had already had dinner. I just ate it to NUMB my broken heart.
I told the story in my book about the ONE and only beauty pageant I was (forced) in. Did you know my mom (who loved me dearly) wanted me to be perfect? Yep, so to please her I did this local beauty pagent in Hickory, North Carolina. As a teenager, I was wanting to please my mom and so I said yes. I had to put on a "purple" one piece bathing suit and strut my stuff in front on hundreds of people and judges. I remember my mother telling me my legs looks too big and I needed to lose 5 lbs more. It was NEVER enough. I needed to perfect. I remember shopping for that "swimsuit." I remember walking on that stage and ALL I could think about was "PLEASE, don't let my legs rub together, don't let me fall, please can I just be invisible." To my complete and utter surprise, I won the title, the crown and somehow survived that night. I was in SHOCK and my mother was ecstatic. I was offered modeling contracts etc. and I knew that was not for me. I was still so shy and felt very "big." Here's the deal. I was 5' 6 and maybe 105 lbs. Yep... I was no where never fat. I saw myself in a way that I wasn't because I was trying to be "perfect."
I got home from the pageant that night and my father was home and found out I had won the pageant. His response will forever be in my memory. He said, "That's hard to believe since your as big as a OX." He said some other pretty mean things and I kept the tears from coming down my face. He always told me I was BIG and called me OX. Yep, I was just so sad on what should have been a great night.
Anyway, it was just how my life was and my self worth was so closely tied to how I looked, my weight and being the perfect daughter. I am not bitter because I feel God knew this would be my "TRIAL" in this life. I would have to accept, overcome and BUILD myself.
So friends... are you doing like me... are you BUILDING or BREAKING yourself? Are you loving yourself RIGHT now? I know I am. I am not letting a silly 2 lb loss or number on the scale determine my WORTH. Neither should you!
LOVE you and LOVE yourself fiercely. We are so much MORE than what the scale may say. People judge us and guess what- you are never going to be perfect. If someone doesn't love us or like us than that is ON them... I just think we need to be the BEST "us" we can be. I could of had a tummy tuck for years now... but I choose not too. WHY? I could not face the risk of my kids not having a mother. I could live with my battle scars. It was a choice I did based on having a stroke too. Anyway, my post is about finding and accepting and LOVING yourself TODAY... RIGHT NOW... no matter what. Each day we have a choice. Yesterday, I had some big decisions to make in a business matter. I had to decide WHAT I want personally in my life. WHAT is my ultimate goal? I told myself simply that LIFE is too SHORT to not truly do WHAT you love passionately. I have to choose wisely and follow my heart. I know making decisions for others or out of 'fear' is so not good for anyone. I am so happy. I just feel like it took me 40 PLUS years to see the BIGGER picture of life. It was a combination of so many memories and experiences. It was losing my husband to cancer, to my mother dying at such a young age, it was my endless failures in business and the gigantic successes... it was everything that has had me MORE. It is at the end of the day being GRATEFUL and praying to God to forgive my weaknesses and allowing him to direct my life. It's my sweet children and grand babies that matter most... it's my handsome husband who walks into the room and I think... WOW, he's mine! It's my friends who I talk to daily about LIFE who are REAL and honest and I love them so much. So guess what????? LOOK for your WHY. Focus on what MATTERS. I hope if you are doing a new journey like me that you will remember that YOU can do it too.