Wednesday, February 15, 2017

WHY are we so HARD on ourselves? WEIGHT reality....LIVE LIFE

TODAY I am just getting REAL. So last week, I just was going through the motions of my health weightless journey. I adhered 100% to my eating program. I never cheat. I just can't mentally handle not doing something EXACTLY as I am supposed to. It's just me. I was working out and got sick for the last few days. Yep, so derailed on this one.  I couldn't work out.  I think okay... it's okay to miss working out. You are working from bed, napping and I even ventured to church for sacrament meeting. I met some BIG deadlines and hosted the BIG family party for Missy and our LOVE celebration.

So when I weighed in yesterday I was only... get this ONLY down 2 lbs. I felt DEFEATED... DEFEAT... oh my I did not meet the goal of 3 to 5 lbs they want from me. I was literally so disappointed. CRAZY right? 

I still weigh MORE than I have ever weighed my entire life and I've lost 25.8 lbs in 5 weeks. I was talking trash to myself on the way to the appointment. Teresa- How did you let yourself gain so much weight so fast? You weigh more than you ever did 9 months full term pregnant. You have got to stop eating so much. 

I kid you not... this was my "self talk" even before weigh in. I could tell they expected MORE from me.  How could I let them down? I felt the DEFEAT as I weighed in. ONLY TWO lbs... then I came home and Brian immediately could tell I was "defeated." BTW... this is just not me. I don't do this. WHAT is wrong with this picture? Well, it was my stupid and negative attitude. Guess what?  I had to immediately give myself a lecture. It's life and I can and will do this. I will have slower weeks, I will have sickness, monthly visits and setbacks even when I'm doing everything I am supposed to do.




WHY ARE WE OFTEN SO HARD ON OURSELVES????? Do you do this? Are you guilty as I am? 

So I thought about it and decided to SHARE my WHY. I am going to be so real and honest and I hope you don't get scared. If you read my book LIVE LIFE IN ALL CAPS, I talked about my childhood and the abuse I endured mentally and sexually as a child. I fought so hard to LOVE myself. I still do. I have always used FOOD as my TOOL for self love, comfort, happiness, celebration, punishment etc. 




I am the girl who doesn't want to eat a bowl of Breyer's Vanilla Bean ice cream... oh no, I can eat the entire carton. I am the girl who can't buy ice cream for the house, or I will eat it. I learned years ago, I'll pay 4x the amount to go buy it when I want it instead of having it in the refrigerator.  When Ty was sick and in bed, I would run to the store and buy ice cream and eat the entire thing and cry. When I found out his second transplant did not work and it was looking hopeless... I can't believe I'm sharing this but I went to McDonalds at 10 pm at night and ordered a Double Cheeseburger, Fries, XL Diet Coke, Strawberry Sundae with Nuts and ate it all in my car.  I threw away the evidence in the dumpster by our house.Yes, I had already had dinner. I just ate it to NUMB my broken heart. 

I told the story in my book about the ONE and only beauty pageant I was (forced) in. Did you know my mom (who loved me dearly) wanted me to be perfect? Yep, so to please her I did this local beauty pagent in Hickory, North Carolina. As a teenager, I was wanting to please my mom and so I said yes. I had to put on a "purple" one piece bathing suit and strut my stuff in front on hundreds of people and judges.  I remember my mother telling me my legs looks too big and I needed to lose 5 lbs more. It was NEVER enough. I needed to perfect. I remember shopping for that "swimsuit." I remember walking on that stage and ALL I could think about was "PLEASE, don't let my legs rub together, don't let me fall, please can I just be invisible." To my complete and utter surprise, I won the title, the crown and somehow survived that night. I was in SHOCK and my mother was ecstatic. I was offered modeling contracts etc. and I knew that was not for me. I was still so shy and felt very "big."  Here's the deal. I was 5' 6 and maybe 105 lbs. Yep... I was no where never fat. I saw myself in a way that I wasn't because I was trying to be "perfect." 


I got home from the pageant that night and my father was home and found out I had won the pageant. His response will forever be in my memory. He said, "That's hard to believe since your as big as a OX." He said some other pretty mean things and I kept the tears from coming down my face. He always told me I was BIG and called me OX. Yep, I was just so sad on what should have been a great night.

Anyway, it was just how my life was and my self worth was so closely tied to how I looked, my weight and being the perfect daughter. I am not bitter because I feel God knew this would be my "TRIAL" in this life. I would have to accept, overcome and BUILD myself. 

So friends... are you doing like me... are you BUILDING or BREAKING yourself? Are you loving yourself RIGHT now? I know I am. I am not letting a silly 2 lb loss or number on the scale determine my WORTH. Neither should you! 




LOVE you and LOVE yourself fiercely. We are so much MORE than what the scale may say. People judge us and guess what- you are never going to be perfect. If someone doesn't love us or like us than that is ON them... I just think we need to be the BEST "us" we can be. I could of had a tummy tuck for years now... but I choose not too. WHY? I could not face the risk of my kids not having a mother. I could live with my battle scars. It was a choice I did based on having a stroke too. Anyway, my post is about finding and accepting and LOVING yourself TODAY... RIGHT NOW... no matter what.  Each day we have a choice. Yesterday, I had some big decisions to make in a business matter. I had to decide WHAT I want personally in my life. WHAT is my ultimate goal? I told myself simply that LIFE is too SHORT to not truly do WHAT you love passionately. I have to choose wisely and follow my heart. I know making decisions for others or out of 'fear' is so not good for anyone. I am so happy. I just feel like it took me 40 PLUS years to see the BIGGER picture of life. It was a combination of so many memories and experiences. It was losing my husband to cancer, to my mother dying at such a young age, it was my endless failures in business and the gigantic successes... it was everything that has had me MORE. It is at the end of the day being GRATEFUL and praying to God to forgive my weaknesses and allowing him to direct my life. It's my sweet children and grand babies that matter most... it's my handsome husband who walks into the room and I think... WOW, he's mine! It's my friends who I talk to daily about LIFE  who are REAL and honest and I love them so much. So guess what????? LOOK for your WHY. Focus on what MATTERS. I hope if you are doing a new journey like me that you will remember that YOU can do it too. 


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28 comments:

Unknown said...

thanks for sharing! gained lots of weight as well, and trying to lose it. it is a never-ending battle LOL! congrats to you, keep on going!

ashley mitchell said...

THIS MY DEAR FRIEND!!!! Talking about this very thing in my BIG TOUGH GIRL GROUP tonight and this could not have come at a more perfect time!!! I love you so much!!! xoxo Ashley

Candice said...

Beautiful words!!! Thank you for sharing!! I too am on a self- love journey and I loved reading about yours. Best wishes and Big Hugs to you!!

disney@heart said...

I love your never give up attitude, you stop and start again all the while raising your great wonderful children and are fully engaged in the littlest angels in your life. It really inspires me in hard times and Teresa I really miss your paper lines I want you to know how much I treasured and used them. I loved every Vegas trip and look at my projects all the time Thank you 👸🏼

Char said...

Thank you for sharing, Teresa. You have a gift of words and you make one stand back and really identify with what you are saying. We all have challenges, we all have things we wish we could change, but you always point out....do not let IT define you. I find myself thinking about something you said in a blog that I can relate to at just that moment. When I get on my pity party chair, I remember...it is up to me...embrace it, change it, make it count! Love ya, kiddo!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks, I eat to heal my sadness. I just failed a test and didnt get the job and ate 2 buster bars from Dairy queen. The bills are piling up and i dont know what to do about it....i weigh the most i ever have... Feeling sad in Ohio.

madelineas said...

OMG Teresa, I really feel your pain, Lost the love of my life to kidney disease just a year ago, and gained all of the 25 lbs I lost back, started back to WW and the first week I waled 2 miles every day and floowed th program to a T and on weigh in I lost a total of *1 lb* Talk about deflated so I tried again and hurt my back shoveling snow and then couldn't get to WW last week, got on my scale this morning and I am up 2lbs. I will go to the meeting tomorrow and just hope for the best. Not going to keep beating myself up any more. Thank you for all the encouraging words

Lve and prayers to you

Sheila Goldsberry said...

Teresa...I totally understand where you are comig from. Today I had my pre-op appointment and had to weight in. I knew the weight I had lost had been regained but I told myself that I had to choose a journey and focus on it. Right now I'm focusing on the cancer. God, I hate that word. But in 6 days we are taking care of that and I can refocus on the weight loss I want to achieve. I'm finding I have to be accepting of myself and what I can handle at one time. Love you, we're all on this journey together...Sheila

Pam Makis said...

Thank you for sharing your journey, good or bad, there is always a message and I am grateful for that. I am having a very difficult time loving myself. I am over 50...wow I said that! I weight more then I ever did even when I was pregnant with my son. I never had a problem with weight until I turned that 50 corner. I know what I need to do but don't have the motivation. Thank you for being 'real' and sharing. I love you...see you in Vegas this year.

Linda Schaaf said...

You are ever the inspiration girl, I too am struggling with my weight. I was thin all my life 5ft 3 and I weighed anywhere between 101lbs-110lbs until I turned 30 then it was like my metabolism decided to hibernate and I gained about 20lbs a year after that. At my heaviest I was almost 200lbs. Last spring I started walking and working out on a bowflex. I dropped a bunch of inches and about 20lbs, it's harder for women to loose weight. I am still working at it and sometimes I too feel defeated but I'm not giving up and I know I will get the weight off.

Linda

Philippa said...

Hi gorgeous Teresa honey, oh your post brought tears to my eyes! I have your book and quite a few tears were shed while I was reading.. lots of smiles and laughter too! You are such a wonderful person inside and out and the fact that you bare your soul on your blog is such a brave and generous thing to do. You help people so much in every way - through your designs and your passion but mainly because of your HUGE KIND heart! I love you to the moon and back.
A dear friend told me this quote once and I want to share it here. It is:

''It's not my business what other people think of me''

I love this quote... there will always be people who don't like us or think what we are doing is ridiculous and not real.. even my husband does that to me at times. Deep down I know that I'm OKAY and I am very comfortable in my own skin even with my shortcomings!

Be gentle on yourself with this weight loss journey. It is better to lose weight slowly and gradually because that type of weight loss is very healthy. Pushing yourself to lose weight fast will make you sick and stressed.

Oodles of love and smiles from New Zealand!

Teresa Kline said...

teresa, thanks for sharing...I have a very similar story, have always struggled with my weight....went to WW at 7..have to be 10 now days to join. It wasn't until I learned to love myself the way Jesus does and to see myself through His eyes did all of that change! praise the Lord...I luv quotes and have journals of them....adding "it's not your job to like me. it's mine." that is awesome, thanks for sharing and God Bless YOU!

sparkle & shine, kindness *~*

Lisa Spiegel said...

I can so relate. I was never enough for my mother and I ate to stuff away my feelings too. Part of being on this Plexus journey has been learning to love my self, right where I am at, NO MATTER WHAT others may think or say about me. It really is the hardest thing. But I've learned from you and from others how to be BRAVE, to be true to myself and sharing your WHY is part of it...2lbs down is still 2lbs down. You're not on Biggest Loser where that will get you kicked off..you still lost 2lbs despite being sick...you deserve a major HIGH FIVE for having success despite a set back. YOU GO GIRL!!!

Lisa Hall said...

Thank-you for sharing your life with us Teresa! You are so inspiring and I was moved to buy your book just from reading this post.
I was in such a hurry to start reading it that I ordered the digital version to read on my iPad!
Take care of yourself sweet Lady...you are amazing! :)

Jen Timko said...

The power of this post is beyond what I can find words to say. Yes. To it all. Thank you for sharing this incredibly personal testimony.

gela said...

Thank you for the very wise words.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post. I used to wish i was skinnier, prettier....but I now accept who I am. I will never be skinny but my kids love me, my friends love me, my family loves ma and I love me.
Weather you loose another pound or not I luv you just the way you are...hugs!
Pam

Michele said...

Thanks for sharing Teresa. You know me I don't like to put myself out there but I want to learn from you to be brave and realise I can do this, so thank you my friend.
Cheers

Lisa Lucchese said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. 2 lbs is awesome I think. And the slower you lose the weight, the better for you in the long run. You want to be healthy, strong and happy not just thin. Plus I think you look beautiful. Don't be hard on yourself.

IslandV said...

Teresa! Thank YOU for allowing yourself to be vulnerable to the world so that your pain and struggles, triumphs and defeats might inspire others to keep trying. Keep striving! We all have a struggle and sometimes a dark past that NO ONE can even imagine! Especially if one has reached celebrity status (like you have) and other folks just see your glittering gold and wish it was their life! I am truly inspired and can't wait to read your book! Keep striving one day at a time, and keep praying! God has you! As HE has shown you time and again! We ALL have to navigate this thing called life one day at a time, one step at a time! Kudos to you for overcoming your struggles and your drive and determination to keep fighting! I love you for YOU lady! ((warm tight hugs))

Braveartgirl said...

THANK YOU for ALWAYS being REAL!! I could so easily have written this!! I have eaten so many DOUGHNUTS in my car!! Then feel ashamed and worthless. I am trying to TRULY love myself NOW. Somedays I do GREAT others not so great!

I heard a scripture today that I believe is going to change my life this year....It's from Nehemiah...6:3 and it says...

"I am doing a great Work and I cannot come down." It took me awhile to really let this sink in...but the more I say it to myself the more I realize I MUST stay TRUE to ME and MY PATH. The ONE THING I can do in 2017 to TRULY change my life is lose this 20 pounds I have piled on. I am the heaviest I have been and FEEL IT. I am only 50 and I MUST get healthy again!!! I believe the Lord placed this Beautiful scripture in my Heart today!! I hope you gain inspiration from it, too Teresa!! Love and hugs sweet lady!!!!! xoxo

Alison Bevis said...

Love this blog post - go you xx

Jean DeSante said...

Teresa, I'm a widow too, at age 41, a sudden death, my daughter was 13, so I understand all that your son is going through, she's almost 30 now. I deal with the same issues from food, I go to a dietician and beat Diabetes in 2 months. I have many followers on FB who have lost weight cause I inspired them. I'm sorry we all have to share these food issues. Prayers for you and keep up the good work. Unfortunately I had a bad marriage so I'm still very single after 16 years, working on my weight, life, art and jewelry business keeps me busy and independent.

I love your style of design, I took 2 years of classes in Cumming, GA. I was working on several of your collections yesterday creating my mini albums.

Good luck.
Jeannie

Yolanda Francisco-Nez said...

This made me cry. Thank you for being real and inspiring. Love.

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