Friday, July 7, 2017

WEIGHT update.... it's been 7 MONTHS

(*I did it I hiked up that big mountain in Mexico with my husband, McKay and Mauro. April 2017)

I have thought about sharing this post for MONTHS now. I am going to share the vulnerable REALITY of me today. My REAL feelings and my personal struggles. I know many of you will want to know my "secret." I have daily messages asking me for WHAT I am doing to lose weight. I hope you will read one of my previous blog posts on what I am doing (Medi-Weight Loss program) and know that I am STILL doing the exact same thing as before. It was and is so much more than a diet for me. 

So let's start with my update- 
today is Friday July 7th 2017. Today I went to my weekly appointment. As of today....  I have lost 68.8 lbs. 

I am not going to lie. I have been silent about something that has been exceedingly hard for me. I was eating in many ways to feel numb to these ongoing feelings. I was really struggling with something that many WIDOWS face. I was feeling EXTREME guilt for being alive. I felt guilt for finding LOVE again. I was feeling GUILT for living life after Tyler died. I felt guilt for marrying Brian and being so happy. I tried to hide it.  I tried to hide it even from myself. My heart was so torn. How can you be HAPPY again after you lose someone you love and who your were completely devoted to for nineteen years? 

I was happy and thankful but in my mind, I would think about Tyler and just feel guilt. I would go to the grave and just pour my heart out. I really struggled with it. At times, I allowed it to cause so much anxiety in my heart and I finally realized I had not properly dealt with my feelings and loss. I decided to be honest with why I was gaining weight so fast and WHY I was sabotaging my health. 

I am so thankful I could talk to my kids about it and I also shared with Brian how I felt. I love that Brian understands that my journey is so different from his divorce. I have learned that grieving is ongoing and it does not end. I believe mourning is truly a necessity in the grieving process. It lasts much longer to some people and I believe it is something I will continue to experience for both Tyler and my mother.  Everything that Tyler should be at reminds me of our loss and it hurts. Zach's mission to Brazil, Tyler's graduation, McKay's wedding, the grandchildren being born... as life continues you are reminded of those that are not here anymore to witness these precious family moments. 

Right after someone you love dies, often so many people are mourning with you. They can feel and see your pain. However life goes on for everyone around you and soon you are the one that is left to NEVER be the same. You remember every single day of your loss and how life is never the same again. You face the ongoing feelings, the sad times, the grieving and the loss. 

So for me, counseling was needed. It was TRULY something I had to do for myself and for my family. I still have many of the same emotions. I honestly think maybe it is meant to be this way. I am talking and sharing with a professional and allowing myself to be okay with WHAT and WHEN I feel it.

 I have lost weight as a direct consequence by loving myself enough to take care of my mental and physical self. I was never depressed or hated myself for gaining weight. I am confident in who I am at whatever weight I am at. I believe so strongly in not body shaming or hating our body EVER. What a miracle our beautiful bodies are. Some of have MORE curves or weight and that certainly does not make us any LESS. My weekly meetings have been the BEST thing ever for me. First, I am accountable for my choices and I see that every week when I weigh in. Thankfully, my favorite foods are salads, and fruit. I also love to eat grilled protein and I don't LOVE processed food or bread. Crazy right... I know!
My biggest weakness is ICE CREAM.

As I have FOCUSED on getting healthy, I was asked over and over again by my dietician what my goal weight was. It took me 7 months to realize that I couldn't  focus on a NUMBER. The number is so not IMPORTANT. It is HOW you feel. I just wanted to feel like ME again. I wanted to feel healthy and whole and at peace. It was a journey of self love and self acceptance. I have never experienced anything like this before. I would be like most people and go on a diet for the whole purpose to see a certain number on a scale. I would feel deprived and want it to be over with. I would focus on the 15 or so lbs I was DETERMINED to loss. It was not like this at all this time. I decided to make it a lifestyle change and focus on WHY I had gained the weight so fast and help heal myself of things that were WEIGHING on me. 

I knew it was going to a long process.
Brian and I were facing some ongoing things together that put a tremendous amount of stress in our life and family.
I knew I had the POWER to not allow this to derail me on my journey. I have been so FOCUSED on loving myself enough to be a healthier me. I was having so many medical issues that scared me.
I still don't have any end date in mind because I don't see myself on a diet. I see this as a health journey that is going to continue. I guarantee I will eat ice cream at some point again. I don't believe in starving yourself or deprivation. I know that it's moderation and eating healthy 80% of the time for me. I consider what I've done as a DIET of Self LOVE. I love myself enough to take care of myself both mentally and physically. 

So my friends that is my SECRET...
it's me LOVING myself in every way possible EACH and EVERY day. I have earned every stretch mark on my imperfect body and I loved my body in January and I love it NOW in July. I simply knew my body was SCREAMING for attention. I had to take care of it better. 
I hear all the time. YOU have WILLPOWER. I can't do it like you have. I believe we all reach a point where it just CLICKS for us. I was at the point of realization and wanted to HIKE that mountain in Mexico. I wanted to exercise again without feeling like I was dying. I wanted to see my grand babies grow up. I didn't want my body to hinder me from being ACTIVE and fit. I know my health scare WOKE me up! 

Guess what? It's never easy to make changes and it's my responsibility to take care of me. No one else can do it. I had to decide what I really wanted MORE. Did I want to make changes? 
I did and I knew it was my TIME to FOCUS on being the best me... not the perfect or obsessed with being a size TINY me....
I promise if you change your OUTLOOK and see it 
as LOVING yourself it is so very different than a diet. Today I was told I now have VERY low blood pressure. Yes, that is what I normally am so it's so great to see how I had high blood pressure and now it's back to low blood pressure. 

from my personal experience:

1. Drink water every single day- no excuses for not drinking 1/2 of your body weight each and every day. I drink between 120-140 oz every single day. I have not missed one day of my water goal since January. Smart Water is my favorite and I will add grape propel at times to give it a yummy flavor. *drink water before eating every single day.
I can truly say that I have learned that I used to think I was so hungry but in fact I was thirsty. I now love WATER and I was drinking NO WATER before I started in January.

2. WEIGH YOURSELF- face the reality of your efforts. I am not obsessed at all with the scale. It just is a tool to track progress but I love seeing how my better choices have helped me to lose weight. I weigh myself every single morning because for me it makes me see how AWESOME my body is responding to LOVING it with good food, water and exercise. Our bodies are truly miracles. 

3. I don't count calories- I simply eat the same amount of protein every day (about 600-700 calories worth a day), fruit (this is my favorite treat ever!!!!), fats (avacado, nuts, oils, dressing, etc). and I change up what I am eating every day because that is the reality of LIFE. I found out what WORKS for me and that is what I am doing. In working with the dietician, I wanted to plan my food and meals 100% after the first month. I knew this way I knew how to eat healthy and in proper portions without being consumed with a list of exact food I had to eat. I eat out almost every day too. I simply alter everything and ask for it in a way that I can eat it. I had to learn to do this since I am always in meetings, rushing to get things designed or on the go. 

I tell Brian almost every day that I am crazing something that I want to eat that day. Often it is steak or shrimp or something like that. I find that lean sirloin steak is something that fills me and gives my body what it craves. I also loved grilled chicken, cod and so I have my favorite foods on hand so I always have something to prepare. I do grocery pick ups so I can order online and pick up and avoid the grocery aisle impulse purchases. I love that my favorites are already there and I can't simply reorder my weekly items- fast and simple! 

I could share a lot more but this post has gotten long enough. Please know that I am NOT at all saying anyone needs to look a certain way, or weigh a certain weight. I am all for loving yourself RIGHT now... today. I believe we must follow our own path and do what we feel in our heart is best for us in our life. 

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Thursday, July 6, 2017

BE THE BEST YOU.... TEN THOUGHTS- I'm back blogging

I can't believe how long it has been since I have blogged.

I just knew I had to take a social media break for ME. I have been working on my own personal progress since January. It was so much more than my health. It was both mental and physical and I really have missed sharing my journey. The past SEVEN months have changed me in so many ways and I realized so much about myself.

 I had to let some big things GO in my life. I have added things that brought me SHEER joy. I accepted some tough lessons and went through some tough trials that I had to learn from, accept and overcome. I had to accept that not every relationship in my life was authentic and was a two way relationship and stop and seek those that are. I have NEVER felt more happy or content. I have FOCUSED for the last seven months on finding ME again.

(Sunday at church after Edward's Baby Blessing)

 I am planning my next upcoming event in September and for the FIRST time ever- I am doing it with a new outlook. I used to be afraid to TRY certain things because I wanted everyone to LOVE everything. I would make decisions from FEAR instead of just following my HEART. This would drive my people pleasing personality crazy if I thought someone would not like something. I realized that I had to follow my INNER VOICE more and just ENJOY my event- all of it. So this year, I am hosting a creative weekend that has turned into a LUAU PINEAPPLE themed event and its going to be FUN FUN FUN!!!!! We are even going to dress up for the opening crop on Thursday and I have dancers coming to entertain us (Polynesian- Hawaiian). I could not be more excited to FOLLOW my passion and hold NOTHING back.

 I wanted to share that my youngest daughter
McKay got married April 20th.
I loved every moment watching her get married 
to Mauro in the Provo City LDS temple. It was such a special day and most beautiful reception. Then we went to Mexico for the second reception with his family and friends. I love Mexico and I love that I now have family
there too.

Mexico Temple Visitors Center May 2017
Brian, McKay and Mauro

My little girl is so happy and I could not be more blessed than
to be her mommy.
(reception: The White Shanty Provo Utah)

My handsome son- Baby Ty
graduated from Murray High School June 3rd 2017.
I adore him. I cried like a baby. My last and youngest child
is now headed for college. (McKay is finishing up her degree right now at Brigham Young University and now Tyler is starting college.  Zach is on his mission- he is soon hitting the ONE year mark and he is doing fabulous and loves Brazil so much. He will be going to BYU too when he returns next Summer from his mission.

He has lost quite a bit of weight since he arrived in Brazil.
He is so very happy and this makes me happy.

SO this weekend I am going to share a big UPDATE on my weight and health journey and some other things that have been on my mind. Plus, I soon will have two new grand babies. I want to share more. So that was just a little bit of what has been going on.
Last, I wanted to share this article that I read on Huffington Press by Anne Naylor. I found it insightful and so accurate. I hoped it would speak to YOU as it did me.
1. Know what you want
Maybe you have a talent you have longed to express and develop. If not, you probably know how you would like to be experiencing your life - perhaps with more happiness, better communications with the ones you love, greater fulfilment in your work.
Knowing is deeper and stronger than wishful thinking or hoping. It is a conviction so solid that you can base your life on it.
“There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.”
Benjamin Franklin
2. Engage with your intention
Daily nurture your vision - see, feel, hear how you will be experiencing the fulfillment of your the life you want, both inwardly and in the world. Use your imagination.
3. Practice your passion - take action
If you have a talent, keep working with it. If you would like to be happier, do things that make you happy. Better communications? Be willing to learn, practice, improve - and make mistakes from time to time. Your intention will speak volumes. Fulfillment? Adjust your attitude.
“Nothing will work unless you do.” 
Maya Angelou
4. Raise your energy - turn up the heat
Love yourself and be grateful for all you have in your life, right now. Pay attention to your blessings. Look up. Learn to forgive and laugh at the mistakes you make along the way. Each day, feel the enthusiasm for your vision, as if it has already happened. Stay open for the remarkable to take place. It will.
“There are two ways to live your life - one is as though nothing is a miracle, 
the other is as though everything is a miracle.”

Albert Einstein
5. Gather positive people around you
At the very least, spend time with people who are supportive and for you. Enrich yourself by getting to know others who are actively creating the best for themselves, and learn from them.
“If you have zest and enthusiasm you attract zest and enthusiasm. 
Life does give back in kind.” 

Norman Vincent Peale
6. Get rid of what is unnecessary
Clear the clutter! Live lean with only that which you need around you. The feeling of freedom you gain will liberate you closer to what you really want.
7. Organize yourself for success
Find ways of dealing with life’s necessities so that you are not distracted by them. Only agree to do what you will actually do. Learn to say no to what does not fit for you.
“If we did all the things we are capable of doing, 
we would literally astound ourselves.”

Thomas A Edison
8. Set no time limits
Learn to live in the present moment and respond to your intuitive guidance. There are times when to act; times when to hold. You will get to know which is which.
“We have time enough if we will but use it right.”
Johann Wolfgang von Geothe
9. Believe in yourself - believe in your vision
Feeling doubtful? In these challenging times, young children may teach us something. As adults, we can also be persistent in going for what we value.
10. Treasure yourself
Do the things that show you care for yourself: eat foods that serve your body; drink plenty of water; get enough sleep; exercise regularly; make time and space for fun; stay focused on your vision and intention. Taking care of your health is a wise investment of your time and attention.
“The diamond you are, you wear within you.  
You can call on its beauty and power when you want to stand forward and dazzle.”

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