Friday, July 7, 2017

WEIGHT update.... it's been 7 MONTHS

(*I did it I hiked up that big mountain in Mexico with my husband, McKay and Mauro. April 2017)

I have thought about sharing this post for MONTHS now. I am going to share the vulnerable REALITY of me today. My REAL feelings and my personal struggles. I know many of you will want to know my "secret." I have daily messages asking me for WHAT I am doing to lose weight. I hope you will read one of my previous blog posts on what I am doing (Medi-Weight Loss program) and know that I am STILL doing the exact same thing as before. It was and is so much more than a diet for me. 

So let's start with my update- 
today is Friday July 7th 2017. Today I went to my weekly appointment. As of today....  I have lost 68.8 lbs. 

I am not going to lie. I have been silent about something that has been exceedingly hard for me. I was eating in many ways to feel numb to these ongoing feelings. I was really struggling with something that many WIDOWS face. I was feeling EXTREME guilt for being alive. I felt guilt for finding LOVE again. I was feeling GUILT for living life after Tyler died. I felt guilt for marrying Brian and being so happy. I tried to hide it.  I tried to hide it even from myself. My heart was so torn. How can you be HAPPY again after you lose someone you love and who your were completely devoted to for nineteen years? 

I was happy and thankful but in my mind, I would think about Tyler and just feel guilt. I would go to the grave and just pour my heart out. I really struggled with it. At times, I allowed it to cause so much anxiety in my heart and I finally realized I had not properly dealt with my feelings and loss. I decided to be honest with why I was gaining weight so fast and WHY I was sabotaging my health. 

I am so thankful I could talk to my kids about it and I also shared with Brian how I felt. I love that Brian understands that my journey is so different from his divorce. I have learned that grieving is ongoing and it does not end. I believe mourning is truly a necessity in the grieving process. It lasts much longer to some people and I believe it is something I will continue to experience for both Tyler and my mother.  Everything that Tyler should be at reminds me of our loss and it hurts. Zach's mission to Brazil, Tyler's graduation, McKay's wedding, the grandchildren being born... as life continues you are reminded of those that are not here anymore to witness these precious family moments. 

Right after someone you love dies, often so many people are mourning with you. They can feel and see your pain. However life goes on for everyone around you and soon you are the one that is left to NEVER be the same. You remember every single day of your loss and how life is never the same again. You face the ongoing feelings, the sad times, the grieving and the loss. 

So for me, counseling was needed. It was TRULY something I had to do for myself and for my family. I still have many of the same emotions. I honestly think maybe it is meant to be this way. I am talking and sharing with a professional and allowing myself to be okay with WHAT and WHEN I feel it.

 I have lost weight as a direct consequence by loving myself enough to take care of my mental and physical self. I was never depressed or hated myself for gaining weight. I am confident in who I am at whatever weight I am at. I believe so strongly in not body shaming or hating our body EVER. What a miracle our beautiful bodies are. Some of have MORE curves or weight and that certainly does not make us any LESS. My weekly meetings have been the BEST thing ever for me. First, I am accountable for my choices and I see that every week when I weigh in. Thankfully, my favorite foods are salads, and fruit. I also love to eat grilled protein and I don't LOVE processed food or bread. Crazy right... I know!
My biggest weakness is ICE CREAM.

As I have FOCUSED on getting healthy, I was asked over and over again by my dietician what my goal weight was. It took me 7 months to realize that I couldn't  focus on a NUMBER. The number is so not IMPORTANT. It is HOW you feel. I just wanted to feel like ME again. I wanted to feel healthy and whole and at peace. It was a journey of self love and self acceptance. I have never experienced anything like this before. I would be like most people and go on a diet for the whole purpose to see a certain number on a scale. I would feel deprived and want it to be over with. I would focus on the 15 or so lbs I was DETERMINED to loss. It was not like this at all this time. I decided to make it a lifestyle change and focus on WHY I had gained the weight so fast and help heal myself of things that were WEIGHING on me. 

I knew it was going to a long process.
Brian and I were facing some ongoing things together that put a tremendous amount of stress in our life and family.
I knew I had the POWER to not allow this to derail me on my journey. I have been so FOCUSED on loving myself enough to be a healthier me. I was having so many medical issues that scared me.
I still don't have any end date in mind because I don't see myself on a diet. I see this as a health journey that is going to continue. I guarantee I will eat ice cream at some point again. I don't believe in starving yourself or deprivation. I know that it's moderation and eating healthy 80% of the time for me. I consider what I've done as a DIET of Self LOVE. I love myself enough to take care of myself both mentally and physically. 

So my friends that is my SECRET...
it's me LOVING myself in every way possible EACH and EVERY day. I have earned every stretch mark on my imperfect body and I loved my body in January and I love it NOW in July. I simply knew my body was SCREAMING for attention. I had to take care of it better. 
I hear all the time. YOU have WILLPOWER. I can't do it like you have. I believe we all reach a point where it just CLICKS for us. I was at the point of realization and wanted to HIKE that mountain in Mexico. I wanted to exercise again without feeling like I was dying. I wanted to see my grand babies grow up. I didn't want my body to hinder me from being ACTIVE and fit. I know my health scare WOKE me up! 

Guess what? It's never easy to make changes and it's my responsibility to take care of me. No one else can do it. I had to decide what I really wanted MORE. Did I want to make changes? 
I did and I knew it was my TIME to FOCUS on being the best me... not the perfect or obsessed with being a size TINY me....
I promise if you change your OUTLOOK and see it 
as LOVING yourself it is so very different than a diet. Today I was told I now have VERY low blood pressure. Yes, that is what I normally am so it's so great to see how I had high blood pressure and now it's back to low blood pressure. 

from my personal experience:

1. Drink water every single day- no excuses for not drinking 1/2 of your body weight each and every day. I drink between 120-140 oz every single day. I have not missed one day of my water goal since January. Smart Water is my favorite and I will add grape propel at times to give it a yummy flavor. *drink water before eating every single day.
I can truly say that I have learned that I used to think I was so hungry but in fact I was thirsty. I now love WATER and I was drinking NO WATER before I started in January.

2. WEIGH YOURSELF- face the reality of your efforts. I am not obsessed at all with the scale. It just is a tool to track progress but I love seeing how my better choices have helped me to lose weight. I weigh myself every single morning because for me it makes me see how AWESOME my body is responding to LOVING it with good food, water and exercise. Our bodies are truly miracles. 

3. I don't count calories- I simply eat the same amount of protein every day (about 600-700 calories worth a day), fruit (this is my favorite treat ever!!!!), fats (avacado, nuts, oils, dressing, etc). and I change up what I am eating every day because that is the reality of LIFE. I found out what WORKS for me and that is what I am doing. In working with the dietician, I wanted to plan my food and meals 100% after the first month. I knew this way I knew how to eat healthy and in proper portions without being consumed with a list of exact food I had to eat. I eat out almost every day too. I simply alter everything and ask for it in a way that I can eat it. I had to learn to do this since I am always in meetings, rushing to get things designed or on the go. 

I tell Brian almost every day that I am crazing something that I want to eat that day. Often it is steak or shrimp or something like that. I find that lean sirloin steak is something that fills me and gives my body what it craves. I also loved grilled chicken, cod and so I have my favorite foods on hand so I always have something to prepare. I do grocery pick ups so I can order online and pick up and avoid the grocery aisle impulse purchases. I love that my favorites are already there and I can't simply reorder my weekly items- fast and simple! 

I could share a lot more but this post has gotten long enough. Please know that I am NOT at all saying anyone needs to look a certain way, or weigh a certain weight. I am all for loving yourself RIGHT now... today. I believe we must follow our own path and do what we feel in our heart is best for us in our life. 

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Jen Ward said...

Thank you for being so candid. I really needed to hear this today. ❤️

alicia king said...

i just love you teresa! thanks for sharing. death is so hard to face, the feelings of guilt and sadness and loss. you said everything so well, many can relate. you are amazing and beautiful always!! ❤️❤️❤️

WENDIE said...

My Dear, Teresa, your are so inspiring! Thank you for sharing this!

WENDIE said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michelle S Clarke said...

Thank you Teresa for sharing - there are some points there that speak to me and really needed to hear right now xx

Netrix said...

Thanks so much for sharing xx

Kimberly said...

Great post Teresa and one so nsny of us can relate to. So happy for you. Hoping we all can find that inner peace with ourselves. It's decibayely not easy to faces the daily struggles we each have but life is worth it and we each are worth loving ourselves - thank you so much and I wish you continued success ❤️

adaline said...

This was so encouraging.

Anonymous said...

Eye roll...

gela said...

Go Teresa go. Wishing you health and happiness.

Anonymous said...

I retired this year from teaching and my daughter and the grandchildren moved out after living with us for 5 years. For the first month, I struggled with depression, but now putting myself first after so many years of putting others first.
Thanks for sharing your story Teresa as it helped me see that I'm headed in the right directon.

Braveartgirl said...

Thank you for such a Beautiful and Heartfelt post!! I too am on my own weight loss journey and I am LOVING ME again!!! Thank you for always putting yourself out there. I APPRECIATE you so much!!!!

LOTS OF LOVE to you!!!



Jenn Swanson said...

I was really moved reading this post. I've gone through "body image" struggles and suffered depression because of it. After getting some therapy and working on my self confidence I'm in a much better place and a few years ago. I totally relate get inspired seeing others prosper as you have. Thanks so much.

Anonymous said...

I just want to say thank you so much. You, and your family, so much love; it all gives me hope. Thank you for sharing some of you alls struggles and wisdom, with sometimes humor, and always lots of caring. It all makes me aware that I'm not alone with some sad times and that others came out of those times bravely and lovingly and are now happy and full of loving-kindness; so beautiful. Your video in the car recently talking about Taylor really got me, dear and oh-so-sweet Taylor; you are a wonderful mom and she a beautiful girl inside and out.

The Burnah Clan said...

Teresa, you are doing wonderfully, what a journey! And that you for sharing raw emotions, nothing inspires more. I appreciate it! thanks as always -Chelsy

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