Sunday, August 13, 2017

Are you looking for the GOLD or the GARBAGE in others?




We are all doing the BEST that we CAN. Are we looking for the GARBAGE or the GOLD in others or ourself???????

Okay, I know Taylor is the one who just had the baby... Sweet Cannon Brooks Card. I have struggled for the past few WEEKS with some things that I am going to share. It's like POST feelings/ emotional/ and no I did not just have a baby... but I do have the sweetest grandson CANNON that I am missing right now. This baby boy is my GOLD. I will post all about his birth in my next blog post.


I live 20 minutes away from them and yes, I would just hold him 24/7 if I could. It's amazing how much love you can possess for your grandchildren. Okay... so here is some of my thoughts and I hope someone else can benefit from some of my REALity and feelings.

I have struggled with things that I never struggled with. I have experienced things that I did not think I would. I have felt really broken in some areas of my life. I have failed at a lot of things that I used to EXCEL at. I have also been GREAT at things lately that I really struggled with in the past. So I felt this feeling for some time. I saw a lot of people I know and love SUFFER too. They felt their GOOD was just not good enough.

Are there things weighing on your heart and in your mind? I know for me I have to say YES. The past two days Brian and I decided to "Get AWAY" and we did the Parade of Homes in Utah. We went to about 18 houses and we drove from house to house and talked for countless hours. We ended the days with late dinners for the end of our date day/nights. It was just US and we talked about things and shared things with each other. It was our TRUTHS and we are two broken/wounded people who got married and had to work on figuring out the new US. So many people look at other couples or other people and automatically make assumptions.

If you are still reading this... WOW... I will be posting this on my blog because I felt so prompted to SHARE the REALity today. I will have a hard time pressing this POST button. First, we just don't KNOW each others journey and WE share so little of our TRUTH. I am all for keeping your private private... and yet because we do, often others SEE us or our life, our situation, our marriages, our jobs, our children, etc. maybe differently.

Brian and I have struggled with our new blended relationship. It has not been easy and I realized so many people that I am close to and know and love would say things like I thought you two have the PERFECT marriage. Wow, is this even possible?
 
 

I mean, I am a hot mess at times. I have weaknesses and faults like everyone else and so does Brian. Oh no.... don't tell him I said this. ha! However, this is so much more than our marriage or our journey. I talk to thousands of women a year in my travels. events and speaking appearances. I realized that I can and be loved and LOVE others and myself by just realizing we are ALL doing the BEST that we can. It's when we STOP trying when we have a problem.

I stop myself all the time and remind myself that I am only HUMAN. We all are and we have issues. We can face them and work on them or we can be filled with depression and judgment for US and others.

I never thought about the issues Brian Webber and I would each would bring and have in a new marriage. There has been times when I thought I was too broken and everything was my fault. Then I thought the same of him. I realized I blamed and was upset over the constant toxic chaos that started at the beginning from an outside source. I have seen some of "OUR" children hurt because of this and blending US became very hard. I would say to myself... I did not ask for this.

I realized we had to have a solid US. We were focused on THEM and we had to go back to us. We had to focus on the miracle and how much we love each other and how much we believe we were meant to be together.

I just wanted peace and wanted to feel safe. I did not imagine how much craziness could come into my life unwillingly. Well we have options- we can face the HARD or we can GIVE up. We can allow or not allow the patterns to continue. So this article is one that SPOKE to me so much and I knew I had to share it. I could have written it. I realized I will be looking more for the GOLD instead of the GARBAGE in my imperfect marriage and world.

I’m sometimes amazed and embarrassed by how critical I can be — both of other people and of myself. Even though I both teach and practice the power of appreciation (as well as acceptance, compassion and more) when I find myself feeling scared, threatened or insecure (which happens more often than I’d like it to), I notice that I can be quite judgmental. Sadly, as I’ve learned throughout my life, being critical and judgmental never works, feels good or leads me to what I truly want in my relationships and in my life. 
 
Can you relate to this?

I’ve recently been challenged by a few situations and relationships that have triggered an intense critical response — both toward myself and some of the people around me. As I’ve been noticing this, working through it and looking for alternative ways to respond, I’m reminded of something I heard Louise Hay say a number of years ago. She said, “It’s important to remember that people are always doing the best they can, including you.”

The power of this statement resonated with me deeply when I heard it and continues to have an impact on me to this day. And although I sometimes forget this, when I do remember that we’re all doing the best we can given whatever tools and resources we have, and the circumstances and situations we’re experiencing, it usually calms me down and creates a sense of empathy and compassion for the people I’m dealing with and for myself.

Unfortunately, we tend to take things personally that aren’t, look for what’s wrong, and critically judge the people around us and ourselves, instead of bringing a sense of love, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and appreciation to the most important (and often most challenging) situations and relationships in our lives.

When we take a step back and remember that most of the time people aren’t “out to get us,” purposefully doing things to upset or annoy us, or consciously trying to make mistakes, disappoint us or create difficulty (they’re most likely just doing the best they can and doing what they think makes the most sense) — we can save ourselves from unnecessary overreactions and stress. And when we’re able to have this same awareness and compassion in how we relate to ourselves, we can dramatically alter our lives and relationships in a positive way.

Here are some things you can do and remember in this regard:

1.) Give people the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time, people have good intentions. Many of us, myself included, have been trained to be cautious and suspicious of others, even seeing this as an important and effective skill in life and business. However, we almost always get what we expect from people, so the more often we give people the benefit of the doubt, the more often they will prove us “right,” and the less often we will waste our precious time and energy on being cynical, suspicious and judgmental.

2. Don’t take things personally. One of my favorite sayings is, “You wouldn’t worry about what other people think about you so much if you realized how little they actually did.” The truth is that most people are focused on themselves much more than on us. Too often in life we take things personally that have nothing to do with us. This doesn’t mean we let people walk all over us or treat us in disrespectful or hurtful ways. (It can be important for us to speak up and push back at times in life.) However, when we stop taking things so personally, we liberate ourselves from needless worry, defensiveness and conflict.

3.) Look for the good. Another way to say what I mentioned above about getting what we expect from other people, is that we almost always find what we look for. If you want to find some things about me that you don’t like, consider obnoxious or get on your nerves — just look for them, I’m sure you’ll come up with some. On the flip side, if you want to find some of my best qualities and things you appreciate about me, just look for those — they are there too. As Werner Erhard said, “In every human being there is both garbage and gold, it’s up to us to choose what we pay attention to.” Looking for the good in others (as well as in life and in ourselves), is one of the best ways to find things to appreciate and be grateful for and we remember that not everything is about us all the time.

4.) Seek first to understand. Often when we’re frustrated, annoyed or in a conflict with another person (or group of people), we don’t feel seen, heard or understood. As challenging and painful as this can be, one of the best things we can do is to shift our attention from trying to get other people to understand us (or being irritated that it seems like they don’t), is to seek to understand the other person (or people) involved in an authentic way. This can be difficult, especially when the situation or conflict is very personal and emotional to us, however it is one of the best ways for us to liberate ourselves from the grip of criticism and judgment, and often helps shift the dynamic of the entire thing. Being curious, understanding and even empathetic of another person and their perspective or feelings doesn’t mean being in agreement with them, it simply allows us to get into their world and see where they’re coming from — which is essential to letting go of judgment, connecting with them and ultimately resolving the conflict.

5.) Be gentle with others (and especially with yourself). Being gentle is the opposite of being critical. When we’re gentle we’re compassionate, kind and loving. We may not like, agree with or totally understand what someone has done (or why), but we can be gentle in how we approach it, talk about it and engage with them. Being gentle isn’t about condoning or appeasing anyone or anything, it’s about having a true sense of empathy and perspective. And, the most important place for us to bring a sense of gentleness is to ourselves. Many of us have a tendency to be super judgmental of ourselves. Sadly, some of the harshest criticism we dole out in life is aimed right at us. Another great saying I love is, “We don’t see people as they are, we see them as we are.” As we alter how we relate to ourselves, how we relate to everyone else and to the world around us is altered in a fundamental way.

As the Dalai Lama so brilliantly says, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” Everyone around us — our friends, co-workers, significant other, family members, children, service people, clients and even the people we don’t know or care for — is doing the best they can, given the resources they have. When we remember this and come from a truly compassionate perspective (with others and with ourselves), we’re able to tap into a deeper level of peace, appreciation and fulfillment.-
 
written by: MIKE ROBBINS


12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this much needed message. At work, I've been stressing over a situation with a new customer. I've taken everything she does/questions as a personal attack - when really I need to just step back and realize that "she is just doing the best she can" with the information that she has. She is not personally attacking me - she is just asking for my input. It does make these situations much easier when you can practice the points that you have listed. I've printed them out and plan to keep them close so that when I'm in these situations I can take a small "time-out" and actually think before I jump in with a negative reaction. Thanks again.

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Dondi Murdock said...

You always sound so positive and perfect that this blog was almost hard to believe. You have problems? I am not making fun of you at all. You still are human. I have marveled at all you have been through and how you seem to land on your feet with your beautiful smile. It can never be easy to blend two grown up families together.

We are all so very human with frailties we never want exposed. We are wounded and many are bleeding internally. Thank you for this courageous post. It helped me a lot and reminds me of the compassion I need to feel and extend rather than focusing on my own wounds.

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Jackie said...

You married so quickly after your husband passed away and I wonder if you would have taken more time to heal and get to know your "new self" and your "new normal", you and your family may have emerged stronger and ready for a new marriage and a blended family. I'm not being critical, but it seems as if you and your daughters move quickly into marriage and I wonder if spending more time in the relationship prior to marriage might not be beneficial. Just a thought . . .

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