Sunday, October 8, 2017

STRONG ENOUGH ... time to share



Oh my friends… let it all go… let it all out now. 

I am going to be honest and real and hope you see YOUR own STRONG in what I want to share today. So this last weekend I spoke at the Enlightened Retreat in Midway Utah.  I got home yesterday and I had so many moments of "awareness." My heart was so open and I had prepared for a year to share my message. I had prayed for many months to have the RIGHT message for those I would talk to. I knew I would have lots of time in the four days there to share and to receive. I get so emotional preparing for my speaking engagements. I have come to realize that speaking is a passion for me.

I love sharing my passion and appreciation for life. I know that the broken me that is so imperfect has so much happiness to share. I do love myself in the most real and honest way RIGHT now in my imperfect "self". I see my weaknesses as my greatest lessons that HUMBLE me. 

I have picked up the broken pieces of me OVER and OVER again in my life… to put my pieces back together.   I am stronger from going through EACH experience. 

So are you my friends.  This song is where I am at. It speaks to me... about me and my ongoing journey. It is so beautiful.





We are each beautiful with our chips, cracks,  lines, flaws, we make think that our scars make us UGLY. They do not! They are there to remind of each of us of how STRONG we are. After difficult times that we all have in life we can be broken with the experiences of life. I decided to start blogging again in ways to share more of my personal life and how I am allowing ME to be ME. 

I gained a lot of insight at the retreat from the yoga classes. I am still the wounded shy little girl from Hickory NC at times.  I still need to "let it all go" in a beautiful, kind and loving way to myself. 

"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward." Quote unknown. 


Oh my ... did my soul need this message right now. As the room was quiet at 6:30 am and the sun was still down. In the darkness and in the stillness, I laid on my mat in the midst of the beautiful dark room.

 I allowed the message to sink into my inner being. It hit my heart and soul in a PROFOUND way. I saw the beauty within ME and in others MORE clearly. I saw my personal journey in its realness RIGHT now.

 I did the real ugly cry as I ALLOWED myself to mourn my pain, loss and moving on daily in my imperfect life and with my imperfect me. I realized often I keep my pain inside because I want to be STRONG for everyone around me. I run away from those feelings and I push anyone anyway that I feel will leave me. I still am scared of loss and being abandoned. 

 I was instantly taken back to the night prior to Tyler's death. He knew the time was nearing and he was in so much pain. Yet he did not want to take any pain medication so he would be awake. I could tell that as his fragile body was getting ready to go HOME to God and  he was scared to leave me. He did not want to say goodbye to "us" or our children.

 In that tender moment, he asked me to get in the bed beside him and simply hold him. As he was preparing to leave this mortal life, he cried as he let me hold him. I told him it was okay for him to GO. I told him he had done everything he needed to do. I promised he that I would be okay and that I would take care of our kids. I was strong. I even said this without crying. I needed him to think that I was strong enough.

As I was on the mat, I remembered that moment, the memory of laying in the hospital bed at Huntsmen with Tyler. It rushed into my mind and I was crippled. I cried nonstop and let my tears freely flow. I didn't believe I was strong enough then. I was so scared. I felt he was abandoning me. I I felt so alone and I felt a helpless. I realized that I was crying with so much gratitude, in that tender moment. I  heard Sadie instruct us in the yoga session to ALLOW ourselves to FEEL and accept and let anything go that we needed to.

 I cried so much that I could not open my eyes and even though most would think it was SAD tears it was actually tears of acceptance. I had to let the tears GO. I am so thankful for what and who has come into my life. It's okay to be sad over pain. It's okay to feel sad over our HARD. The song she played was the song...."let it all go" and it SPOKE to my heart in a new way.  

I had new awareness of the PAIN and the HARD I have endured. I love my broken me, my "countless" flaws, my legs with horrible veins, my stretch marks, my insecurities, my happiness in loving my insecure shy little girl from Hickory. 

I hope you will read my blog and know I am sharing because I know my TRUTH can be a way for you to see ME but see YOU in my story. We are all broken at times. We all have our HARD. We simply can't compare our MESS or HARD with that of others. We are all BEAUTIFUL in ways we don’t see and often it is allowing us to see the REALNESS in ourselves and in others.
I believe that we ALL must LET IT ALL GO... at times. I believe our hard times are actually PROOF of our fragility and that we are so much "MORE" resilient than we realize. This makes our experiences both good and the bad- beautiful. 
 

13 comments:

madelineas said...

WOW Thank you for that quote. I was in the same place 20 months ago as I lay in the bed at the hospice center with my husband telling him the same thing Just telling him it was OK to go I will be fine

thank you so much for this <3

Michelle S Clarke said...

Thank you for sharing. I love the comment about not crying tears of sadness but tears of acceptance. I strive for those.

Rose Curtis said...

thank you for sharing your story with such healing words that will heal others as we read them, your heart is beautiful

Sandra said...

Love your posts Teresa. You have come a long way and now you must feel content.

Braveartgirl said...

Just beautiful...like you!!! Thank you for sharing this . As I read this I am thinking about my own pain and what I have been strong enough to do without crying but maybe need to cry and let go NOW. I always read your blog!!! YOU INSPIRE ME!!!! HUGS!

Dave, Monica and Crew said...

Beautiful...just beautiful! I cried through the whole post. Thank you for being you at the retreat. You were the perfect person at the perfect place in the perfect time to connect with. I love you beyond words my warrior friend

gela said...

Thank You for this powerful message

Debbie A Stolle said...

Being vulnerable as you shared this weekend, I had no idea I had wounds so close to the surface. I cried many times throughout the weekend but one time when I actually missed your small group because I didn't even know there was a room upstairs by the pool, I sat alone in the room we watched the movie in and it started again because I was alone. I walked the house 3 times floor to floor but I couldn't find you...this is not about you...what happened was I felt shame for crying over something so silly. I mean it seemed really silly but I had realized during the weekend that loneliness is a weak spot for me, that because of betrayals in friendships I have isolated myself from anything but virtual friends and there I was again in the midst of a group but completely alone. Yesterday I realized I need to honor my heart. If it hurts and I cry then I should not be ashamed but understand there is a little girl in there who is crying for my attention to help heal old wounds. Thank you for sharing here and there and I was truly blessed by your message.

teresa collins said...

Debbie, I hope you see this. I would it if you would email me. I would love to talk to you. Your message touched me in my heart. I hope you will know that I can so relate to your words. Please contact me if you will. xoxo

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